Yesterday, my brain started back up again. Started back up, and revved itself into something of a flurry. I had lunch with a friend of a friend who is the single mom of a little girl adopted five years ago with the help of the attorney I met with on Thursday. How’s THAT for a long sentence?
Well. It was the BEST LUNCH EVER, and I’m not talking about the food (although it was quite tasty). Not only did this very-cool-and-generous-with-her-time woman give me great information and advice, she literally CHANGED MY LIFE, and I’m not being overly dramatic. It’s not like she gave me some big hoo-rah pep talk. Just sitting across the table from me being a sane, interesting, smart, funny, single mom-by-choice, she made me believe, really and truly and for the very first time, that I CAN DO THIS. Boom.
I can do this.
I left the lunch feeling like, “What am I so worried about? I can handle this single mom thing! Stop whining and DO IT!” It’s now twenty-four hours later, and I still feel that way, which makes me think it’s going to stick, this new-found confidence in my pending mommyhood. Better than the confidence, though, is the EXCITEMENT. I get to have or adopt a baby! And after this lunch, I don’t think the route to motherdom really matters—which actually complicates things, because I had sort of swayed toward donor insemination, and now I’m pretty fifty-fifty adoption/insemination.
Which means I need to sit down and do some serious soul searching.
Do I REALLY not care about a biological connection to my child or do I just want to believe I’m someone who doesn’t care? Do I REALLY not care about the race of my child, or do I just want to believe I’m someone who doesn’t care? I think I want to experience being pregnant, but do I really? Is it worth the risks? How do those risks balance with the risks of becoming a mom through adoption? How would I feel about my child having a biological family out there? Would I want that family to be in this country or another country? Does the gender of my child matter to me?
The difference between thinking about these questions today and last week, is that today I’m thinking about them with a spark in my eye and a spring in my proverbial step. What amazing questions! How lucky am I that I have the opportunity to ask them of myself and examine my feelings on these subjects and then make the best decision for me and my future kid? That’s pretty cool, when you think about it. And the only person whose answers I have to worry about are my own.
So. I not only can do this, I’m gonna do this. All by myself.
And though all-by-myself may be hard in some ways, I’m slowly starting to see the upside.