Yesterday. Four a.m. Wake up to Moose throwing up a pair of socks. Clean up socky vomit. Sleep a couple hours. Get up, get ready for work, drive 25 miles across town to pick up sperm, drive back to doctor's office, drop off sperm, drive to work.
Call and ask dog walker to check on Moose during the day. Work a couple hours. Drive back to doctor's office for lunchtime IUI. Back to work again. Work all afternoon.
Drive home. Find pool of vomited blood in front of fireplace. Clean up pool of vomited blood. Load Moose into car. Take Moose to emergency vet (which also happens to be the place he goes every week for physical therapy).
Grab dinner. Work 'til eleven.
Drive BACK to emergency vet to sign a piece of paper saying Moose can stay all night for monitoring and to pay $1200.
In bed at 12:30. Can't sleep.
Today. Back to my doctor at 9:15 a.m. for another IUI.
By this time I'm pretty much just a big blob of tired.
There's no positive thinking. There's no meditation. There's no gratitude.
There's just let's-get-this-done-fast-so-I-can-get-to-work.
On the way back to the office, I pick up a prescription for progesterone. I wonder why I bother.
Later, I tell WP I don't even want to get pregnant this cycle. She doesn't buy it. But I mean it.
I'm stressed out right now. I'm mad. I'm out of sorts. (I blame asshole delivery driver.) And I'm worried that the eggs I just shot sperm at developed in an angry, stressed environment. Which makes me more angry and stressed. It's not good.
After work, I pick up Moose from the vet. He's so happy to see me, he makes everything almost all better.
And while I am still worried about how crappy and not-positive I'm feeling, I think I'm starting to get over not wanting this cycle to work. I can't say I WANT it to work. I'm just not sure I DON'T want it to. Which is at least a step in the right direction.