Well, for the last week, I've been making myself a sweater.
I don't remember the last time I made something for myself. A couple years ago, I started a lovely wool wrap but never finished it. Before that... lemme think... ah! A gorgeous hot pink hat and scarf.
That was eight years ago. Possibly nine. Or ten. (We were on Angel, if anyone wants to do the math.)
And then, a couple weeks ago, I saw this pattern for this beautiful sweater, exactly the kind of thing you want to throw on on a winter evening, and I thought: Enough with the baby blankets. That damn sweater has your name all over it.
I ordered the yarn online (I have finally learned not to do a project in anything but the yarn the pattern suggests), and when it arrived I started my sweater. Easy as pie.
So I thought.
In the last week, I have re-started this damn sweater three times. The instructions verge on incomprehensible-- and I'm a fairly advanced knitter who's pretty good at following directions. On my most recent attempt, I was three whole balls of yarn in before I realized things had, once again, gone horribly awry.
This afternoon I ripped it all out and started again.
Here's the thing. Every time I screw up, I learn something about how to do it right the next time. And I continue to believe that if I keep going, I will eventually have the awesome sweater that I want. I just have to stick with it.
I kind of feel the same way about getting pregnant.
I just have to keep going.
Which doesn't mean that I'm not sad and disappointed that IVF didn't work this time. I am both. A lot of both.
But considering that when I found out about the polyps (POLYPS POLYPS POLYPS!!!) and the delay they were going to cause, I spent two days crying in bed...
I think I'm doing okay.
I haven't cried. I don't think I'm going to.
Because I really do believe that everything is aligned as it should be. I have the right doctor, the right acupuncturist, the right therapist, the right yoga teacher, the right chef. I'm doing everything I can physically, and I'm working very hard on being more open-hearted and positive about this process.
I think I'm not breaking down because for the first time, I really believe deep down in my heart that this is going to happen for me.
I just have to stick with it.
So that's what I'm gonna do.