To Have or to Adopt: That is the Question

When it comes to bringing a child into your life, there are two basic options.  Give birth to one.  Or adopt one.  (Technically there’s also fostering, but I think of that as a step toward adoption.)  In general, I lean toward adoption— but now and then I get seduced by the notion of pregnancy.  Growing a baby is a pretty cool thing.  And as someone who’s had cramps for over twenty years (I’m talking curled in a ball on the floor, puking kinda cramps), it would be nice to use my uterus for something good. 

Also—and it’s going to be hard to not break Rule 2 here— I’m thirty-seven and single.  There are a lot of things I’d love to have in my life that I don’t have.  Can’t list them without sobbing, so I’ll leave it at that.  The upshot is that it doesn’t seem fair, on top of everything else, to miss out on having a baby.       

So whenever I’m feeling the pull of pregnancy—which is more often now that all of my friends are doing it—I consider in vitro.  For me, it has nothing to do with wanting a biological connection to a child.  That’s just not important to me— maybe because my parents divorced when I was five.  Both re-married quickly, and my step-mom has been my step-mom for more than thirty years.   She didn’t give birth to me, but she’s one of my parents, just like my dad and mom.  That has nothing to do with DNA. 

The pull is partly physical— the proverbial ticking clock.  And partly it’s a desire to have those watershed experiences, like looking at your baby’s sonogram for the first time, or hearing your baby’s heart beat.  And then I think… do I really want to do that alone?  Are those experiences special in and of themselves, or are they special because they’re (usually) shared with someone you (hopefully) love?  A lot of things are fun or big or meaningful with someone else that just don’t have the same pop when it’s just you. 

On a purely practical level, the thought of being pregnant alone is kinda sucky.  I’m lucky in that I could pay for help if I needed it, but that’s just not the same as having someone who’s as invested in the pregnancy as you are to share it all with—and to do things like run errands or do laundry.  Or put a crib together.  As a non-pregnant person, I’d have no problem whipping a crib into shape— but as someone with a beach ball belly…  I just don’t see it happening. 

The upshot: no matter how you slice it, there’s no easy way to start a family alone.  (If there were, I wouldn’t be so envious of those damned starfish.)  And as I get closer to deciding to pursue adoption, I also find myself mourning the loss of some very fundamental dreams.  I wish I could say it wasn’t painful.  Is there an epidural for that? 

Comments

[Aaron Barnhart]

We were just having a conversation about this last night, Sarah. Friends of ours, a doctor/nurse couple, made sure that they got pregnant in time for the baby to be delivered before her 35th birthday. It gets riskier for the first child after that,they said. Another good friend of ours, single, adopted her first daughter (Chinese, cleft palate) when she was 50. She liked it so much she adopted a Vietnamese girl two years later! The results have been nothing but spectacular for the kiddos. She's a great mommy, but we know just how tough it has been on her. A little extra cash to throw at the situation (a luxury you have that she doesn't) will help. Ultimately, though, if you don't have or build a strong support network around you, it's really really hard.

Obviously I can't deny that there's a time for mourning. But perhaps the admission that biologically (maybe even politically) you're doing the right thing by adopting will heal some of that.

[Heather]

This is not to say, "You won't miss it." It really isn't. But I HATED being pregnant. Really, really, really. Except for the weight loss (I know, feel free to shoot me now.) Throw in the pre-eclampsia times two and there was nothing fairy-tale about the entire experience. Couldn't even friggin' give birth like a normal person, where you take the kid immediately in your arms, room in, have family and friends visit you in the hospital... none of that. Just left my kids in the NICU for a few weeks and got familiar with the evil breast pump.

No, no issues here.

[LP]

The planet really has more than enough people already. I encourage you to adopt if you want to be a parent.

[Kim]

I personally would not want to miss out on being pregnant. There is no doubt in my mind that hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time, feeling them kick inside of you, or giving birth are all, on a basic and fundamental level, worthy, regardless of whether or not there's another person around or not. I find a hard time grasping the concept that the worth of these events are based on whether or not you have a partner to share them with. I think that life, in all it's forms and manifestations, is worth too much to be dependent on anything else.

[Sarah Fain]

Kim-- You have an excellent point. But sometimes, no matter the worth of an event, it's painful to be alone in important moments. It just is. I wish it weren't!

[Liz]

I guess I have a different perspective - one of the reasons I decided to adopt, after very briefly first considering the knock-yourself-up route because I figure I have pretty good genes that would be worth passing along, was that I have NO desire whatsoever to go through pregnancy and childbirth. Alone or otherwise. Just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by not experiencing it.

[Sandy]

I am blessed with 2 sons. The first joined our family by adoption, the second was a surprise pregnancy. I can tell you this with complete certainty - beyond the experience of pregnancy (or not) the two options are pretty much the same. At a certain point, someone hands you a child and you're the mother. And the bonding and getting to know each other and loving them and parenting them and every other thing is the same. Given that, and the number of children that have no families, please do think about adoption.

Either way, soon enough you'll be past this part and just be parenting.

[Eve]

I found you through the Happiness Project, I love when things happen that way.

I'm 43 and seriously thinking about having a child on my own. I understand the questions of adoption vs to have... I will try to become pregnant this year and I know that if it doesn't happen then I will adopt. But I don't want to give up the possibility of my own biological child without trying. And I feel the same way as you do.. I wish I wasn't doing this alone.

[sarahfain]

Eve-- Oh, yes. Going it alone... it's hard. No question about it. But I think at some point I realized that it would be harder NOT to do it, than to do it alone. And once I started to reconcile my feelings on the single issue (emphasis on "started" because I am so not done with the reconciling) it became easier to really get excited about the possibilities of doing it alone. And I'm also starting to see the positive aspects of single parenthood-- being able to make the parenting decisions I think are best without having to compromise with another parent, for example. I wish you tons of luck, and if you're not already part of Single Mothers By Choice or Choice Moms, I recommend checking out both organizations. Meeting and reading about other women in the same boat we're in helps me remember I'm not alone in being alone in this. All the best, S.

On Sep 27, 2009, at 2:04 PM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote: