All About Sperm (Donation)

Every day is a winding road.  So says my fellow Missourian (and single mom) Sheryl Crow, and I gotta say, when I got up this morning I did not expect to be sitting here tonight writing about sperm.  But I’ve gotten quite an education on the subject today, and here I am.

Right.  Okay, then.  Sperm.

Turns out, it’s really easy to get.  And I don’t just mean from the random pervert on the street.  I mean from legitimate cryobanks.  And by easy, I mean it kinda seems like— and this is from a couple hours of internet research, so take it for what it’s worth, but it kinda seems like I could have a couple squirts of the stuff delivered in freeze-dried vials by sometime next week.  And—get this!— there are DIY impregnating directions right online. 

Talk about romantic.  Not.

Still, it does make a girl think.

Especially given the other juicy tidbit I learned today, which is what sent me down this particular winding road.  This morning I was perusing a newsletter from a great organization called Single Mothers by Choice, and one piece mentioned “identity release” sperm donors, which I’d never heard of before.  So I looked it up. 

And it’s BRILLIANT. 

Basically an identity release sperm donor agrees that a child can have access to the donor’s identity once the child is 18.  How cool is that?  Now everyone is different, and I’m sure some people are thinking—yeah, not cool at all.  But I think it’s pretty fantastic.  So fantastic, in fact, that it removes one of my greatest hesitations about using a sperm donor, which is that it just doesn’t seem fair to keep that kind of information from a kid.  Wanting to know who you are and where you come from is such a basic thing, so fundamental to who we are and how we perceive ourselves—for better or worse, I think it’s important for a child to have access to that information.

Since I was already looking into the identity-release issue, I also checked on the general requirements for donating sperm.  Turns out, Mr. Random Pervert On The Street need not apply.  Donors have to be between 18 and 35-38, and healthy.  They have to complete medical, genetic, and psychological testing.  And they have to have attended or be attending college (or be able to show a certain level of success in their chosen career).  Each cryobank has its own specifications, but if that’s the low bar, that’s not bad.

And when you’re shopping for sperm (which I did tonight, solely in a browsing capacity), you can get a pretty decent amount of information on these guys. I’m not just talking age, height, and weight.  I’m talking career, heritage, hobbies, hair color, eye color, blood type, a detailed medical history, as well as their written answers to a series of questions like “what are your goals and ambitions?” and “what are your special interests and talents?”  And someone from the cryobank interviews the guys and writes up an assessment.  Sometimes, you can even get photos.

Is it the same as meeting someone face to face?  No, certainly not.  But I would not have seriously considered sperm donation before today.  And now that I’m at the end of today’s weird and winding road, I can honestly say that internet sperm browsing could be significantly more promising than internet dating. 

Is it weird that I have a little bit of a crush on donor 36514?

Comments

[22]

Yo S,

Little sis was adopted and didn't find out about the sperm donor or egg donor until she was 18...sad part about the dynamic was learning about all of the great medical history from each of the donors...along with all of their emotional cancer that created her. Sis is still angry about the paternal situation to this day and takes it out on all of the real family and it hurts to think about the questions that sometimes don't need to be answered!

Peace - 22

[Angelina]

You are in a quandary.

Not sure what I would do in your situation, however, I wish you all the best.

[Aaron]

Sarah, google "offspring barry stevens" - a terrific documentary from 2001 about a Canadian who set on a quest to learn of his father/sperm donor and discovered 200 sibs he never knew he had.

[Sarah Fain]

Thanks, Angelina! (I checked out your terrific blog, and wherever you live, it sure is beautiful!)

[Sarah Fain]

I'll check that out, Aaron. You bring up the BIG downside to donor sperm. It must be incredibly bizarre to have biological half-siblings out there... especially hundreds of them. There are sibling registries now, so sibs can find each other (at least that's what I'm gathering). The question, as with everything, is do the pros outweigh the cons? And I have no answer to that one! At least , not yet...

[Melinda]

Gee. Until I read the other comments, I had been on the verge of commenting "This sperm donation thing is fantastic!" Perhaps because, as much as I love my husband and as great a dad as he is, I think it's also possible to -- how shall I say -- forget how many issues/pitfalls/fallibilities are attached to any kind of human encounter/involvement, no matter what the family/parental/conceptive permutation.

[Gretchen Kubacky, Psy.D.]

Ahhhh....yes....the old "shall I bag the need for a relationship and just make a baby" quandary. You're certainly not alone - a ripe age for it (pardon the pun). I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're not a day too early - in my practice, I see many women who buy into the belief that we can have it all, whenever - like, oh, age 45, like those celebs who just had twins (by the way, those are all created with some assisted reproductive technology). It's just not true, and believing it's true will lead to a great deal of grief. Best of luck in figuring it out!

[Kristina]

Hi Sarah and others trying to pick. I picked my donor yesterday and I wanted to offer a few tips. 1. If you are using an American sperm bank and you are in Canada, you need to buy "Canadian compliant" sperm. I thought that this category applied to the donor, and so I had eliminated everyone that the website had not listed as canadian compliant. But it turns out that this applies to individual samples (which I only understood after talking to the bank on the phone). If you like a donor, call and see if he has any new c.c. samples. And, call the Canadian "consignment banks" (!) to see if they have any samples from your donor. I had eliminated my favourite in the first round because I thought he was not c.c. but it turns out that he had a bunch of c.c. samples at the bank in Canada.
2. Get on the phone. Phone the bank you are working with. This was the best thing I did. Ask to speak to the "donor advisor", not the secretary. I got a wonderful woman who talked to me for ages, described the donors to me in detail as "real people," offered to send me more photos of the ones I liked, and suggested donors based on my criteria. She's the one who led me back to my earlier favourite and suggested that I phone the banks in Canada. There's nothing as good as real human impressions.
3. As Sarah says, it is like falling in love. Go with your gut. I'm not sure why I like my donor so much -- maybe his smile, maybe his three dogs, maybe the fact that he lists his mother as his hero. He is not the Ivy-league type that I thought I wanted. But when I look at his picture or think about his profile, I feel happy. Keep looking until you feel that way. For me, it makes me so much more comfortable with this whole strange process. I feel like I'm "in it" with a guy I really like.