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Yo S,

Little sis was adopted and didn't find out about the sperm donor or egg donor until she was 18...sad part about the dynamic was learning about all of the great medical history from each of the donors...along with all of their emotional cancer that created her. Sis is still angry about the paternal situation to this day and takes it out on all of the real family and it hurts to think about the questions that sometimes don't need to be answered!

Peace - 22

You are in a quandary.

Not sure what I would do in your situation, however, I wish you all the best.

Sarah, google "offspring barry stevens" - a terrific documentary from 2001 about a Canadian who set on a quest to learn of his father/sperm donor and discovered 200 sibs he never knew he had.

Thanks, Angelina! (I checked out your terrific blog, and wherever you live, it sure is beautiful!)

I'll check that out, Aaron. You bring up the BIG downside to donor sperm. It must be incredibly bizarre to have biological half-siblings out there... especially hundreds of them. There are sibling registries now, so sibs can find each other (at least that's what I'm gathering). The question, as with everything, is do the pros outweigh the cons? And I have no answer to that one! At least , not yet...

Gee. Until I read the other comments, I had been on the verge of commenting "This sperm donation thing is fantastic!" Perhaps because, as much as I love my husband and as great a dad as he is, I think it's also possible to -- how shall I say -- forget how many issues/pitfalls/fallibilities are attached to any kind of human encounter/involvement, no matter what the family/parental/conceptive permutation.

Ahhhh....yes....the old "shall I bag the need for a relationship and just make a baby" quandary. You're certainly not alone - a ripe age for it (pardon the pun). I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're not a day too early - in my practice, I see many women who buy into the belief that we can have it all, whenever - like, oh, age 45, like those celebs who just had twins (by the way, those are all created with some assisted reproductive technology). It's just not true, and believing it's true will lead to a great deal of grief. Best of luck in figuring it out!

Hi Sarah and others trying to pick. I picked my donor yesterday and I wanted to offer a few tips. 1. If you are using an American sperm bank and you are in Canada, you need to buy "Canadian compliant" sperm. I thought that this category applied to the donor, and so I had eliminated everyone that the website had not listed as canadian compliant. But it turns out that this applies to individual samples (which I only understood after talking to the bank on the phone). If you like a donor, call and see if he has any new c.c. samples. And, call the Canadian "consignment banks" (!) to see if they have any samples from your donor. I had eliminated my favourite in the first round because I thought he was not c.c. but it turns out that he had a bunch of c.c. samples at the bank in Canada.
2. Get on the phone. Phone the bank you are working with. This was the best thing I did. Ask to speak to the "donor advisor", not the secretary. I got a wonderful woman who talked to me for ages, described the donors to me in detail as "real people," offered to send me more photos of the ones I liked, and suggested donors based on my criteria. She's the one who led me back to my earlier favourite and suggested that I phone the banks in Canada. There's nothing as good as real human impressions.
3. As Sarah says, it is like falling in love. Go with your gut. I'm not sure why I like my donor so much -- maybe his smile, maybe his three dogs, maybe the fact that he lists his mother as his hero. He is not the Ivy-league type that I thought I wanted. But when I look at his picture or think about his profile, I feel happy. Keep looking until you feel that way. For me, it makes me so much more comfortable with this whole strange process. I feel like I'm "in it" with a guy I really like.

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    • L.A. 2009. I’m stuck in traffic on the 101 freeway, listening to Isabella Rosselini on NPR. Isabella, for some reason, mentions that starfish are one of those rare species that can reproduce asexually, and I realize that if I could do that, I wouldn't have to worry about finding a boyfriend/husband. I wouldn’t have to internet date! I wouldn't have to figure out if I want to/can/should have a baby/adopt a baby/child on my own. I wouldn't have to stress about things like FSH levels, or weigh my feelings on in vitro versus adoption. I would just have a baby. Thus began my starfish envy.
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