My Happiness Project... (with a little help from my friends)

Holy crap!  I’ve just realized that this blog is my Happiness Project!  For years, I’ve been reading Gretchen Rubin’s blog, skimming over the bit at the top about starting your own Project O’Happiness, thinking every so often about emailing to get a copy of the resolutions chart, and then going, yeah, that works for Gretchen, but it’s not for me… 

Well.  Shows what I know.  Maybe if I’d gotten that damned resolutions chart years ago, I’d have figured all this baby stuff out by now.  Maybe I would be thinner!  Maybe I would be richer!  More fun!  And way, WAY more interesting!

Oh, well.  That woulda-coulda-shoulda ship has sailed big-time.  Last I heard, it was docked in Morocco and having a ball. 

Fortunately, one of the things I’ve learned from Gretchen is that everyone has to go about finding happiness in his or her own way.  What works for me won’t work for you, and what works for you won’t work for me.  Unless it does.  Which is why The Happiness Project (and maybe even Starfish Envy) is important.  It reminds us that although we’re all different, we’re all searching for the same things:  friendship, love, growth, comfort, excitement, fulfillment…  Happiness. 

We all deserve to be happy.  And sometimes, as Gretchen certainly has for me, we can help each other get to where we want to be.

Which leads me to something else I’ve learned from the Fabulous Ms. Rubin: It’s okay to ask for help.  So…

Help! 

Do you know any single women with Starfish Envy?  Not sure?  Here’s what a woman with Starfish Envy looks like:  Just like everybody else.  She just happens to be in her thirties, and single.  And she’s starting to wonder if maybe she should take the baby-plunge by herself.  (If she’s in her twenties and wrestling with these issues early, that’s cool, too.  A little neurotic, maybe, but I’m down with that.  And the forties are a lovely age—the new thirties, from what I hear, which is great because I’m so very almost there myself…)

There are a ton of us out there.  We’re smart, we’re successful, we’re engaged with our lives, our careers, and the world.  We’re post-‘Sex and the City,’ post-Quirkyalone (both cultural phenomena I adore, BTW).  We have Starfish Envy, but we’re not twiddling our thumbs about it.  We’re taking action, making hard decisions, and creating the lives we want.  Would we rather do it with a loving husband (or a loving partner)?  Sure.  But we’re not letting that stop us.  We want to be moms—not just moms, but the best moms we can possibly be.

So, if you know any women of the Starfish Envy generation, tell them to drop by and join the conversation.  

And if you’re one of the ton of us, I’ve got just one thing to say to you:  You’re not alone in being alone in this. 

Comments

[Alexis Grant]

Found your blog through the Happiness Project -- and so glad I did. I'm crying reading it! And not because I'm in your shoes, just because I feel like, as a woman, I can understand the Starfish Envy you describe. I'll be following along and rooting for you!

[Susan Clizbe]

Hey kiddo - I've been meaning to suggest that you should read my junior high school friend Marla's blog/column. She's starfish envy 10 years or so on, excellent resource for you to see how it's gone for her.
http://themomblog.freedomblogging.com/2009/08/14/does-your-son-have-a-wiener/29665/
Kiss the pooches for me.

[Maureen]

I'm starfish-envy-in-training (meaning I'm 35, single, and in business school with a bunch of kids) and I am so thrilled to have found your blog! I also found you through The Happiness Project, and I'm rooting right along.

[Julia]

I'm not a starfish (in my fairly-early twenties), but I am a huge fan of Gretchen Rubin and just started a blog as my person Happiness Project: figuring out who I am and owning it! I really like your blog and think you have a fantastic writing "voice." Hearing what you have to say reminds me, and reassures me, that (and please take this as a compliment!!) even if I don't get married right now (because it feels like all my friends are), even if I don't have kids by age 28, even if I don't find "the one" soon(if there is "one," still working through that idea)...I'll be ok. I'll still have me, and I'll still go after what I want from this life.

I bet you will be a wonderful mother and wish you the best of luck!

[Collette]

I totally have starfish envy! and I also found your blog via The Happiness Project.

now, I'm only 31 so I really should relax, but I'm a worrier. I was ready for kids when my husband and I broke up when I was almost 29, and shortly after that my dad found out he had really advanced leukemia, so all of a sudden I was single, childless, and my dad was maybe going to die. it was pretty traumatic. for over a year all I could think about was "what if I die without having kids! my dad may die without ever having grandkids" so, even though I'm too young to be so worried about not having kids, yeah, I have mega-starfish envy.

I'm learning to relax, though! but in the meantime, it's still a worry. I'm an ENTJ if that counts for anything -- I am built to plan goals and achieve them. and I'm single living in a very small prairie city.... not a lot of fish in this sea. I envy those damn starfish.

I'm glad I found your blog! I am cheering for you all the way!

[Eve]

I'm loving your blog and that I found it exactly when I needed it... Just yesterday I thought I'm renting out my house and moving to LA (it's too cold in NY) but then at 4am as I was looking at craig's list for a beach apartment I thought if I do that.. I have to give up the child dream. Directing will be there, a baby will not.. Like a good friend says.. you have a lifetime to find him but a limited time to have him. (biologically)

I have posted through your blog.. I'm over 40, how did this happen? And I'm green with envy of those damn starfish... I bought a house 5 years ago, thinking if you build it it will come.. you know create the space, blah, blah... I have the perfect freelance job to have a child... I went to the doctor and my levels are ok... now I just have to take the little step of going for it... Not much time to think about it.

[Sarah Fain]

Eve-- Yep, I know the feeling exactly. There's no right or wrong answer, which is what makes it so frustrating. Stepping out on the ice... it's scary!

[Jen]

I am loving this blog! You are my first, by the way, and I definitely could have written these thoughts. Not the words... your wonderful tone and humor astound me, but the thoughts are my own. Thank you for giving voice to my head.

Full of starfish envy.... have decided to go the donor route, and start in July. Scary, yes, but I know in my heart I was meant to be somebody's mother.

[sarahfain]

Congratulations! Its a huge decision, an I wish you luck and, weird as it sounds, full fertility!

www.starfishenvy.typepad.com

[Cheap Jordans]

What a great idea. I've already got the pattern so I must give this a try as soon as possible. keep smiling and take care!

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I am wondering if you feel differently about single mothers than you do single fathers. I overheard a conversation between two teachers talking about a student in a "single parent family." The assumption was that it was the mother raising the student and , of course the student must be having problems with a mother like that. When the second teacher found out that the single parent was a Dad - all of a sudden he was a hero and maybe "we as a school could do something to help out". Help out? I never heard such a huge difference in attitude about parenting. How do you feel about it?