She Ran Callin' (Emotional) Wildfire...

Am I the only one who remembers that song?  I loved that song.  Anyhoo...

There's a psychological phenomenon called "emotional wildfire" in which a person gets so lost in a negative emotion that they are incapable of seeing, believing, or remembering anything that contradicts it.  All that matters, all that a person is able to process, is that which agrees with the negative emotion.  

I don't think there's a positive version of emotional wildfire, but it seems to me that there should be. Because I'm pretty sure I've been consumed by one ALL DAY.  This whole donor sperm thing is kind of rocking my world.  I can't think about ANYTHING ELSE, which is a problem, because I do have this thing called a FULL TIME JOB, and it's not like there's any downtime.  Ever.  Plus, they pay me pretty well, so I can't just go 'screw you, I want to think about sperm.'  Nooooo, I have to think about sperm on my own time.  Which, when you get home at eleven after a very long day, makes for a certain amount of exhaustion.  But I am NOT canceling my trainer tomorrow morning.  I will suck it up.  Grrrrrr.

Back to sperm.  The book I started last night (which I'm now 26 percent into on my Kindle, thanks to the text-to-speech feature, which allowed me to "read" in the car-- have I mentioned I love my Kindle?) isn't containing my wildfire in the slightest.  It's STOKING it like a burly lumberjack.  This book (appropriately called 'Knock Yourself Up") covers just about every iteration of getting pregnant by a donor: known donors, anonymous donors, gay donors, straight donors, pregnancies that happen quickly, pregnancies that happen slowly, pregnancies that never happen...

My emotional wildfire refuses to see that last one as a possibility.  But realistically it is. And IF I decide to go down the donor sperm road, I have to know that it just may not happen.  The good thing is, adoption is an amazing option.  (Despite the wildfire, I'm still not sure adoption won't be my first choice.  I'm a satisficer-- I'm still gathering information).  I'm still relatively young.  Not in fertility terms, of course, but if my biological clock can no longer tick, the adoption time-table isn't all that daunting.  

In the meantime, would I rather be thinking about my boyfriend or husband's sperm? Uh, yeah.  But I don't have one of those, so I'll take what I can get... and, if today's wildfire o' emotion is any indication, I'll be happy about it.

Comments

[Cathi]

Hi Sarah!

Thanks for checking out my blog - you would probably be interested in the archives from when I was a tryer if you haven't already, at http://www.diypregnancy.blogspot.com/ (all the old posts are still there for that reason).

I'm excited to catch up on your blog, love what I've seen so far (esp. since I'm both a John Hughes fan and a Whedonite, as all smart girls are).

[Kate]

Noticed your new widget in the sidebar. I can help with the width issue, if you want. Any good at HTML? If so, I can tell you what to change. If not, I could fix it and send you a new link with adjusted width. Up to you. :)

[Kate]

Looks like you got it figured out. :)