Sometimes the road to happy is paved with sad. While my decision to become a mom has already brought me a tremendous amount of joy (and I don’t even know how I’m going to do it yet), tonight I’m feeling sad about one of the steps I’ll be taking to get there.
I’ve decided to sell my house.
I really love my house. My heart is kind of breaking.
The first time I walked through the front door, seven years ago, I knew this house was my home. My little Spanish bungalow/tree house is warm, and charming, and I feel safer here than I’ve felt in any house I’ve ever lived in. (And that’s saying something— I tend to be a bit of a scaredy-cat. Not in life in general. Just when I’m lying in bed and there are sounds and shadows that make me think of… this is embarrassing… vampires. I was far too young when I saw ‘Salem’s Lot.’)
I bought my house when I was a low-level writer on “Angel,” (yes, the vampire show) and had no way of knowing if I would have a real career. None of my friends had bought houses yet, and it felt huge and terrifying, and so grown up. For years, most of my furniture was borrowed or given to me for free.
I’ve written half of two books in this house, and more scripts than I can count. I was standing in the kitchen when I got fired off my own show (which was good, ‘cuz the vodka was close). I learned to cook here. I nursed my dogs through surgeries in the living room. I planted my first herb garden. I started this blog. I’ve had more house guests than I can count—most of them in the last eight months. And dinner parties, and Friday Night Lights marathons, and a million hours of knitting. I was standing in the living room when WP called to say she was pregnant. I hugged my dad in the kitchen, having just told him that his best friend had died. The tangerine tree that B’n’K gave me when I moved in (yes, that’s B’n’K, the magic parents) took four years to really take root. It took me at least that long to develop a Spanglish communication system with my brilliant gardener.
And in these seven years, my neighborhood has transformed from what’s politely referred to as “marginal” to being just AWESOME. My salon is around the corner. I can walk to a coffee shop and a bakery and several real, actual restaurants. I can walk to a great hiking trail… or to a park with a little lake and a walking path, if I feel like something flat (this is the park where I saw my favorite piece of graffiti ever: "F*** pigs and gentrifiers." I find this brilliant in ways I can't even access rationally). And an independent bookstore/café just opened up on Sunset WHY AM I LEAVING????? I like my neighbors! What if I never find neighbors I like again????
Okay, reign it in.
I’m leaving because I have a thirteen-year-old lab with
arthritic hips, a ten-year-old hound dog mix with two metal knees, and a
one-year-old husky mix with severe hip dysplasia. Which is a problem when your house was built on a hill.
But, mostly, it’s the mom thing. My house is perfect for me. I’m not sure it’s right for Mommy-me. Mommy-me has this dream of looking out a kitchen window (or, better yet, French doors) and seeing my son or daughter playing on my flat, grassy, backyard. And if there happens to be a guest house in that yard, I’m fine with that too. Because there’s a nanny in my future.
And I want her to be as happy as I’m planning to be.
Hi Sarah,
I just wanted to let you know that I love your blog and your writing. I think its very couragous of you to be so real and to put your life out there for everyone to see. I have hope that you will meet your someone special and that you will become a mommy.
I can relate to your situation in the fact that I'm single (still a little bit young though, I'm in my 20's). I certainly get a lot of questions from my family about being single, but I always try to keep in mind that someday I won't be single and won't be able to enjoy the positives of this lifestyle.
But anyways back to you! I read your post about your favorite blogs yesterday and the Happiness Project blog is also a favorite of mine (its how I found this site!). I thought I would share a link with you to an interesting post written by Leo Babauta on Zen Habits about parenting.
http://zenhabits.net/2009/08/how-to-let-go-of-hyperparenting-and-learn-to-relax-with-your-kids/
Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy reading your posts-- keep up the good work!
Kind Regards,
Samantha
Posted by: Samantha | 08/21/2009 at 07:20 AM
woops *courageous
Posted by: Samantha | 08/21/2009 at 07:21 AM
Sometimes life is so funny. Here I am, with a wonderful husband and kid, and right about now, your life (and tree house) sounds pretty awesome. (Except, I don’t like sleeping alone either. For me, it’s ghosts. My dad covered my eyes and let me listen to Poltergeist when I was little. Of course, what I imagined was worse than anything Hollywood effects could ever cook up.) You own a home – um, we haven’t gotten there yet, between my husband’s monumental DVD collection, my lack of discipline in turning down a sushi delivery menu, and a few financial rough spots. I think it goes without saying that you have the coolest job in the world. And, I can only guess, but – do you occasionally get to sleep late? Because with a kid, you NEVER do. There are no days off, no vacations, no sick days. And sometimes, your beloved kid will bounce a fish stick off your face after a long day of work, and all you can think is, “Where’s my martini? Or my hour with a good book and some QUIET?”
I think you’re very smart to plan on having a nanny. Because what every successful woman needs is a wife. I know I’m paraphrasing someone else’s deep thought here, but it’s true! My husband does an impressive amount of the wifing around our house – pretty much all of the dishes, most of the cooking (er, defrosting/microwaving), and all of the laundry (what?! I’m allergic to our moldy basement!). Meanwhile, I work a zillion hours as a freelance writer, and he has a full-time job, too. But still, we’re always looking around the kitchen as if there should be some magical third person —Mary Poppins? The stoic-yet-warm mom from Little House on the Prairie? — who can turn our chaotic family life into some kind of ordered, sensible peace. So far, no sightings yet.
So, you may be saying good-bye to the era of your life spent in your happy little house and exchanging them for something messier, wilder, more confusing, with bigger highs and lows. Fortunately, there’s a reason why people keep having more of these frustrating little munchkins: they’re so ridiculously cute! (If you don’t believe me, check out my Facebook page. Fair warning, though – my daughter is so irresistible she may make your uterus whine. Good thing, too, because she is a champion dinner-thrower!)
Thanks for giving us something wonderful to read and react to!
Posted by: Rebecca Littlest | 08/21/2009 at 12:46 PM
I came across your blog today via the Happiness project and I have to say that I love your writing style. I'm in LA too so I like the local references.
And the other reason I'll probably check your blog on occasion is because I'm going through IVF right now, with a donor egg. There are many tough decisions to make when you don't start a family in traditional ways. In the meantime, I hold onto adoption booklets because that could still be an option.
Best of luck to you!
And I have to agree with Rebecca, you seem to have a pretty wonderful and enviable life.
Posted by: winona | 08/21/2009 at 01:02 PM
Samantha, thank you for the link to the article. I added ZenHabits to my daily rss feeds. It's a really terrific article-- I hope others click on it as well.
Rebecca-- Excellent points (and I have to admit, my life is pretty great, just in different ways that I was expecting!) The fish stick bouncing off the face made me laugh out loud...
Winona-- I'm sure starting a family is daunting for many people, but it's definitely more daunting and a lot harder logistically (and mentally) when you can't just have a lot of great sex with a spouse and BOOM be pregnant. (This is why starfish are so damned lucky.) Thanks for reading, and for commenting. I wish you loads of luck as you start your family! Best, Sarah
Posted by: Sarah Fain | 08/21/2009 at 03:30 PM
Saying goodbye to a house is hard because you're saying goodbye to a home, and for the all the reasons you are leaving it. When everything was packed and the moving truck had gone and my house was empty I lay down on the floor of my walk in cupboard upstairs and cried my eyes out holding the front door key in my hand. I thought I'd left my soul there, but I hadn't because home comes with you to your new place.
Posted by: Heather Conroy | 08/21/2009 at 03:51 PM
I just found your blog at the Happiness Project and I love it!
Posted by: Ana from far away | 08/21/2009 at 07:15 PM
Yo S,
I haven't chatted back in a while and it looks like your blog has sparked a fire! I find it amazing that so many people can connect with you experience...and I am pondering the thought of "...if a child of mine read this blog...18 years from now...and it was their Mom behind the forum...What would they think and feel..."
Just a thought for your next entry...
Peace.."22"
Posted by: 22 | 08/22/2009 at 11:46 PM
Thanks, Conroy. You're so right. I remember when my mom sold the house I grew up in, it was absolutely crushing. I really felt like I'd lost a huge part of my childhood. But, as you say, home comes with you-- and thank goodness it does.
Hey, 22-- I wonder about that too. My guess is he or she will think-- my mom is a total hypocrite for being such a stickler about grammar!
And thanks, Ana!
Posted by: Sarah Fain | 08/23/2009 at 12:58 AM
Sarah,
Found your blog from Gretchen's recommendation at the Happiness Project. Guess what? I'm 37, I'm successful, I'm single, and I've also wondered about having a child on my own, without a man. Except that I live in Singapore where society is more conservation and I'm not strong enough to go against the grain.
Are you planning to be a single mum or are you waiting to find a partner first? I share your thoughts - having a baby is way easier if we didn't have to worry about finding a spouse first!
Posted by: Daphne @ Joyful Days | 08/23/2009 at 02:43 AM
Lovely post...
I just left my dream home, 3 acres, 50 huge trees, hammock in the back yard, great place for my 3 kiddos to play, etc, and moved into the city so we would be closer to my hubby's work and we would have 2-3 more hours a day with him. I am still mourning for my house.
Posted by: Tiffany | 08/24/2009 at 07:48 AM
You know what, Sarah?
I married my high school sweetheart at 19 & got divorced at 37. The grass may SEEM greener, but you are exactly where you're supposed to be. Everyone's path is different, & while you may wish to be me (the married part, not the divorced part), I could wish to be you (college, career part). But my path brought me to my current life and I wouldn't trade a thing. I understand the issue of wanting kids & wondering what the right thing to do is, but I think you're smart enough to figure that out yourself. I really enjoy reading your blog though. Thanks for being so honest. Good luck!
Posted by: Jenn S. | 01/04/2012 at 10:59 AM