I Have Become Comfortably Numb

So, I went out of town and my dogs got in a fight and now Daisy has a surgically repaired lower eyelid and Chloe… well, Chloe happened to get bit right on a fatty tumor she’s been cultivating, so she’s currently at the vet recovering from having the whole thing removed, since, hey, there was a big gash there anyway, might as well make it a little bigger and take this baby out!

All while Moose obliviously looks around grinning and going “What?  What’s going on?  What’d I miss?”

Seriously, does it never end?  It’s not like today was such a GREAT day to start with.  It SO wasn’t.  Not even close.  Ugh to the extreme.

All of which led to a discussion with my friend CA about numbness. 

Personally, I’m a fan.  Of emotional numbness, I mean, not numbness of the extremities.  That I don’t enjoy even a little.  But emotional numbness serves a vital purpose in my life.  It’s far better than loneliness, for example, which is crippling and unpleasant.  It’s miles above fury, which makes my neck get all shakey, and everyone knows that’s just not attractive.  It beats the hell out of regret.  And sadness.  And disappointment, and all the other emotions that make me want to eat bad things and not answer the phone and curl up on the couch for marathon sessions of Masterpiece Mystery.  (Oh, Poirot, how I love thee...)

Numbness, on the other hand, is the equivalent of being a functioning alcoholic.  Are you miserable (drunk)?  Sure!  But that doesn’t mean you can’t get out of bed and give the dogs their pills (8 at last count, not including two varieties of drops and an ointment) and shower and put on make-up and go to work and actually do work and talk to other humans and maybe manage a couple of laughs and eat healthy and exercise and do all the things that non-miserable people do on a daily basis.

And eventually the numbness fades and the goodness comes back.  For the most part.  There are some things I’m just long-term numb about.  Singledom.  My mom’s Alzheimer’s.  Not that being perpetually single is the equivalent of a disease that attacks your brain cells.  But, as much as I’m trying to see the bright side of my solitude lately… well, I’m doing my best.  Some things just are what they are.  And numbness makes those things bearable.   

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What does numbness help you get through?  And just to be clear, I’m not talking about depression, which is a totally different thing and should be treated very seriously.  If you’re depressed, get thee to a doctor-y!  Make haste!  (I'm being glib, but I mean it.  If you're depressed, get your ass to a shrink.)  But if you just need to muddle through something, does numbness come in handy for you? 

P.S. Tomorrow I promise to be happier. 

Comments

[Cathy DiNovo]

I always feel that I have to be the cheerful one, even the life of the party, the one to make everyone else feel at ease. Some days I'm just not up to it, so I take a step back and let others carry the weight. Numbness is a great term for that.
Thanks!

[linda]

I think numbness is a sign that you have too many things that you can't cope with/can't fix. You back away into numbness to get by. I find myself in numbness when that happens to me. While the big things may not be conquerable immediately, I can focus on achieving the little things that bring a sense of self-worth, enjoyment and capability back to me - like weeding the garden, cleaning out the closet, creating a great healthy meal, helping someone else, exercising (even a long walk), all of which take care of my soul needs. If I take care of myself or others when I am overwhelmed or stressed then I can come out of the numbness more quickly. Love thyself and actively validate your value to the world to be able to feel emotion and emerge from the numbness. It is not instant nor am I always great at doing it. However reading this tells me that I am too numb right now and have to force myself to do these things so I can get past it. Thanks.

[Jeanne Navagh]

My Dad died March 17th after a year of glioblastoma, my mom is currently in hospice with metatasized breast cancer. I go to work, go out with friends, still laugh and take care of my grown children, my husband and house and all of that...including everything to do with my mom - I know I will look back with wonderment on how I survived (& my 4 siblings..) Numbness, thank goodness!

[Grace Boyle]

I know the exact feeling. I'm not sure if numbness is positive or a way to stop feeling, so we can ignore the magnitude (positive or negative) of what's happening around us.

I have felt numb about a certain ex boyfriend and his negative affect on my life. In this case, I see it as positive and don't feel diluted. If he still gets upset and tries to rile me up, I'm numb. I'm so used to it and it used to hurt me in the past, but now I'm detached. Maybe it's detachment that creates numbness? Doesn't numbness mean we don't care anymore? Because how can we care so much about something, but not really feel?

[Just Peachy]

Numbness helps me when I'm absolutely hating life but need to function - at some point between, during, or after the deep depression I get so numb I don't feel inclined one way or another, but perform my "duty" at making lists of ways that I could make my life better if things were even marginally peachy-keen.

Then usually I freak out again, but am able to fall back on those lists and climb my way out of some rather dark places.

[Deb (Smoothie Girl Eats Too)]

Numbness has seen me through my mother's battle with multiple sclerosis, my dad's fight against cancers of several kinds, sick animals, death. It helps. Thanks for the post.

[Martin.]

yes

[Kari Allen]

Hello! I just learned after 40 years that the price of peace is $587.23 . That is a small price to pay considering that now my Mother (who I love) can't hurt me anymore. I value sentimental things, no matter what the cost, she values money, no matter who it comes from or what it is for. I feel better, I hope she does too.

[Kari Allen]

Yesterday I learned that my Mother/and her husbands "business credit card" identity were stolen. It has a $26,000 credit limit on it. They now have to pay $2,000 to keep the card.
Yet, they tried for several years to buy my youngest daughters "love" so to speak, but that can't be bought anyway!! And now they don't want to buy her anything?? My Mother was frantic on the phone, yet when I called her for help (begged for help) when I had, yet another unknown stalker, (08-05-2009) who had found me and was about to attack me.... she and her husband took all of, literally, one second to decide they couldn't come and get ME, I'm a disabled, totally homebound human being. Mother and hubby drive two new nice vehicles that are paid for and he has a BIG very nice motorcycle not to mention, they own their own home, their parents paid for it buy giving them their inheritence etc. I, among other things, have been a nurse for almost 20 yrs and never charged them for my services, I just did it because that is who I am and I love them no matter what. I have been the one child out of the 6 they had when they married who was ALWAYS there for them and actually saved Mother from colon cancer and her hubby from death to many times to count.... I really don't see the point in why money is so important to people when it means NOTHING compared to having a loved one. Mother, years ago, had a personal Visa unknown to her hubby charged up to $35,000. She said she spent it all on me... LM$O. He accepted that lie and paid it off. I've known for a while she had another Visa card, doubt seriously that hubby knows about it, and very seriously suspect that Mother is afraid of having NO ONE to blame for doing this again..... She remodeled the whole house while he was in the hospital for the better part of this last year... and complained about him not being able to work the whole time LOL. I am not LOL because of any suffering, I just can't believe that some people seem to jump out of the frying pan into the fire and then pee on your leg and tell you it's raining!! These 2 people have caused my family a lot of hurt and pain over many yrs. I am a Christian and forgive and forget. They don't forgive or forget anything, esp. being betrayed, which is hilarious to me since they claim that I disowned them, when my brother stole a clock from their home that was left to him buy our Granddad and they disinherited me along with my brother. He shouldn't do most of what he does either, but I had nothing to do with that either lol ??!! I just smile and am actually very glad to be disinherited because I have dreaded the day both of them died ever since I learned they had a WILL!! I am very soft hearted and sentimental, Mother's hubby sees that as a weakness. He was a Baptist preacher 2 wives and I forget how many kids ago. Great.... I hope nobody sends this to "Jerry Springer".... because it's pathetic!! lol Laughing really is the best medicine for chronic unbearable pain, that and just plain passing out!! LOL Thanks for letting me vent anonomously!! Have a great day everyone!! I plan to!!
God Bless!

[anonymous]

I have become uncomfortably numb. Which is, at the core of it all, due to my common-law spouse being unemployed for the last three years and all the financial and emotional baggage that comes with it. People will say why not leave this situation, I don't know think it's that easy. The numbness has helped me cope/ignore/get through all this mess but I think it's time for the numbness to subside. How does one go about doing that?

Anyways, I'm really piping in only to say that 1) I can relate to this post, if not on the more depressing side of things and 2) that even though I'm in a long term (9 years in January) relationship, I too have have some starfish envy. Our current financial and relationship situation makes having children a very difficult decision (we don't have any and am seriously running out of time to decide).

[Beth Bates]

Numbness is the only way of making it through a kitchen remodel without becoming an actual drunk. (not that there's anything wrong with that)

[coach handbags]

We are all in the position of the farmer. If we plant a good seed, we reap a good harvest. If our seed is poor and full of weeds, we reap a useless crop. If we plant nothing at all, we harvest nothing at all.

[Kristina]

Hello there Sarah:
I want to reach out across the internet to say that finding your blog has made me feel so much better. It feels a lot like finding a friend. I'm 37, single, and I just got a fabulous but stressful promotion. I have two ancient dogs, one with crippling arthritis and one with lung cancer. I have a half-renovated house that I alternately love and hate. I decided to have a child on my own only to be told that I have "reduced ovarian reserve" and I should consider more "aggressive" fertility treatments. Hey, want to go for coffee?
Anyway, I have been feeling so numb. I think it's a coping mechanism. If I wasn't numb, I'd be really really upset, and I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, and go to work, and give my dogs their pills, and go to the gym, and just keep going. So -- I think numbness is a good thing. But it also makes me sad because I used to be much more open and emotional. I feel like I am shutting down. And all my friends have children or are pregnant and are trying so hard to be supportive. But it's hard not to hear their support as pity. The other day a friend (pregnant with her second) said to me that maybe I should give up alcohol for the sake of my fertility. "But ----," I replied, "alcohol is the only thing that is getting me through the day." Not true, by the way. I was just being snarky, and resentful that she gets to go home to a family, and I get to go home to sick dogs and a nice glass of wine. And she's saying I should give up the wine... Anyway, off topic, but I just wanted to say what a relief it was to find this blog and to find someone I can truly relate to. It helps more than I can express.

[SS]

I am so miserable I want to say mean things here just to spite you and the rest of the world. I know that is not going to change anything about my life. Please assume that I have said so many bad things here and please feel hurt.