I Have Doubt

No, I'm not talking about the play.  Or the movie of the play.  Although every time I think the words "I have doubt," I do think them in Meryl Streep's voice.  Which is creepy.

I mean I have doubt about the whole breeding thing.

It's been creeping in slowly.  Maybe all this nonsense with my dogs is making me tired.  I don't know.  But I'm worried.  About everything from ovulating to eating to exercise to my house to my dogs to taking my anti-blood stagnation herbs.

I think it's just a build-up of stress and a lull in momentum.  I made the decision to try to get pregnant, which was very exciting, and then... PAUSE!  Three months of nothing but preparing.  Getting my house ready to put on the market.  Eating right.  Getting acupuncture.  Losing ten pounds.  Buying sperm, which for some reason I just can't make myself do.  All while not eating sugar, which I have to tell you, is HARD.  I love sugar.  I miss sugar.  I want SOME DAMN SUGAR.

Funny aside:  Aaron Barnhart, the television critic for the Kansas City Star, interviewed WP and me a couple weeks ago, and then mentioned in the Star, and online, that I have this blog and that I'm doing this whole baby-on-my-own thing.  After which my mom received a very hesitant phone call from one of her friends.  "Did you know," the friend said carefully, "that Sarah is... going to do... artificial insemination?"  "Yes," my mom answered nicely, "I think she mentioned it."  

I don't know why I find that so funny.  But I do.  And kinda sweet.

Back to my doubts.  They're not just about the prep work.  Every now and then I get hit with a wave of terror about what kind of mother I'm going to be.  It's all well and good to think I'm going to be a great mom, and that I'm going to commit all this time to my child, and cook healthy food, and play with him or her, and teach him/her all kinds of great things.  But... easier said than done, folks.  And I know that my expectations are probably unrealistic, but I really feel like I have to do more, be better, if I'm doing it alone.  Because there's no fall back.  There's me.  And that's it.

I've also been trying to imagine what it would be like to be a kid with a mom and a... donor.  It's actually quite hard to do.  What would it have been like to grow up with just my mom?  No dad.  No step-dad.  No relatives on that side of the family at all.  There are a couple people I wouldn't mind being rid of, but for the most part, it feels... lonely.  Is a few essays and some medical records, and maybe a baby picture enough to fill that hole?  If that's what you're used to, does it even feel like a hole?  I'm just not sure.

(And yes, I know that it's possible that I could meet someone and get married and blah blah blah, but I'm not holding my breath.  If you want to, feel free.)

And it's not like I haven't read all the books.  I know that I have to work through my feelings so I don't inadvertently pass on my fears and issues to my future child.  If I can even get pregnant.  That's a whole other area of worry.  It's entirely possible I won't be able to.  I am thirty-eight, after all.  Downright ancient.  How many times am I going to try?  If unmedicated IUI doesn't work, would I do medicated?  Would I do IVF?  I dunno. Not a clue in the world.

It doesn't help that I went to my acupuncturist this morning, who is wonderful, but who thinks I should set aside two hours three times a week to cook bison stew.  And other healthy, blood enriching, foods.  Which is an absolute impossibility at the moment.  I mean, literally an impossibility.  Unless they add hours to the day.  (Hmmm.  I do know people who know Jon Favreau-- the speechwriter, not the actor-- and he knows the President.  Can someone talk to Jon Favreau about talking to the President about adding some hours to the day so I can cook?  Seriously.  This is very important.  Possibly more important than health care reform.)

If I can't cook now, how am I going to do it once I have a child?  At which point I am reminded of a piece of brilliant advice from my friend Mel: GET ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. But then I remember that my acupuncturist said it's hard to find rotisserie chickens that are free-range and I should really cook them myself and THEN MY HEAD EXPLODES.

At which point my exploded head and I give up and go to bed.

Comments

[Carolyn McCray]

I totally feel you. I just thought I might mention that God has already figured this out for you. I'm finding more and more that the more I give myself over to His plan and just concentrate on being more and more the authentic 'me' that the doubt just evaporates :-)

Or you could let your head explode (which Lord knows I've done a thousand times over). Your call though! :-) :-) :-)

[Rebecca Littlest]

Your nanny will cook the chicken. Or you'll find someplace in the whole of LA that can deliver one. Personally, we live on Bell & Evans frozen chicken breasts and whatever else they stock in the freezer section of Whole Foods.

Not one of us is a perfect parent, so I'd just throw that out the window right now. It's not WHETHER we're going to "mess up" our kids, it's what unique way we'll find to do it.

It's good to feel doubt. There'd be something wrong with you if you didn't. It's like how you know a crazy person is really wacko -- they never stop to think, "Maybe I'm NOT being chased by aliens?" The fact that you're well aware of the potential downsides as well as the upsides just means you're a rational, sane person.

At some level, this will all be out of your hands. If you try to get inseminated, it will either work or not. And then you'll see if you feel relieved or more committed than ever to try again. One thing I've learned is that attempting to lock in your life three decisions ahead never works. Your circumstances and feelings will almost certainly change at every step of the way. So just try, at the end of your allotted daily hour of worrying, to channel Doris Day and hum, "What will be will be..." (I'm better at giving this advice than following it...;-)

P.S. Before you become a parent, you've gotta give yourself permission to ignore 90% of the advice you're given (mine included)! Between the books, the websites, the doctors, and every mom you meet in the grocery story, you will get bombarded with opinions. (I'm sure bison blood is very helpful. I'm also sure you can live a full life without it.) Back me up here, fellow moms...

[Cathi]

Don't worry about the doubt, it will just make you crazy. And I hate to tell you this, but you will roll over one morning and think to yourself, 'Should I really go ahead and do this crazy thing? Can I deny a child a father? Will I be able to do all the day-to-day things a child needs? What the heck am I having for dinner?' and then you'll realize that you have a baby already, and you'll have a moment of panic, and then you'll just do what needs to be done and everything will somehow work itself out. Because that's what being a mom is. It's doubt, and fear, and guilt, and lots of other lovely friendly emotions like that.
I'm surprised that any choice moms are able to make the leap. There's NEVER enough money saved, or weight lost, or home fixing-up completed, or mental preparation. It's the ultimate leap of faith, and you just have to trust in yourself. And yes, ignore all the advice you get (or at least, if you don't like it, don't let it bother you if you totally ignore it).
Bison blood, seriously?!
And you'll worry a lot less about cooking and everything being 100% natural. My daughter ate an order of McDonald's fries, a banana, and 4 sausage links yesterday. That's all. As far as I can tell she's just fine.

[Kat]

Damn, I so know that feeling, I called two weeks ago and made an appointment to see a doctor from the fertility clinic on the 4th November.. since then I've been having nothing but doubts and fear.
It doesn't help that two of my friends told me they had a miscarriage as well, one at 5 weeks and one at 8 weeks.
The end result is that I think it will never happen because I will be too worried all the time about everything that can go wrong...

[Jessica]

The fact that you feel doubt is why you will be a great mother. But I first must say that I am amazed (and impressed) that you can live without sugar. I can't do it. When I was pregnant, one of the happiest moments was when I found a study that showed that moms who eat chocolate when they are pregnant have happier babies. YES! Bring on the chocolate!!! Really, it made a lot of the hard stuff about being pregnant more bearable. It was worth the extra couple of pounds I probably gained.

But back to the more important issue of doubt. I just want to say that you will find people to fall back on, to help, to be important influences in your child's life. If like me you have no extended family nearby, you will have friends or other moms or a nanny or whomever who will be the adult sounding boards and caregivers you will need in the rough spots.

I totally agree about listening to the advice and then choosing what works for you. Spend any time with moms you know and love and they will tell you all the ways they think they failed their children. You will think, "That doesn't seem so bad and your child is lovely." That's the moment when you will realize the truth of what my mom told me: You only have to be good enough. The rest is really out of your hands. My Type A personality struggles with that and wants to be The Best Mom Ever, but if my kid refuses to eat everything but chicken nuggets, is he going to DIE? No. Learning to let go of the need to control everything about my son's life has made me a hundred times happier and therefore a much better mother.

But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have doubt or worry or ask every other mom I know how to end the blasted Vegetable Strike he's on (I swear, he's using his crayons to make picketing signs). I just try not to let it overwhelm me, and I try to believe others when they tell me I'm a good mom.

So maybe you can try to believe me when I say that you are well on your way to being one of the incredible mothers I know and respect.

[Heather]

I didn't cook before I had kids. Now I think about it as I make them their lunch of graham crackers, cheese cubes and dried veggies. Later they had soy nuggets and "fresh" (frozen) veggies. These were children raised primarily on soy formula through age one, and yet they speak and seem to be smart.

Your kid won't know what life is like with everything s/he doesn't have. It will come up later, in elementary school maybe. You'll talk about it. You live in the perfect place -- how many traditional, nuclear families are there in L.A. anyway, much less the entertainment industry?

When you have a child, you will learn that things like bison stew and organic free-range yada yada can kiss your ass because, hey, you'd rather spend your time reading to your kid (and reading your e-mail.) If your acupuncturist is so concerned, your acupuncturist can come do it for you.

And don't discount the idea that you COULD get pregnant right off. I did, both times. My problems came on the back end, where my body decided to be "efficient" and forgo much of the third trimester.

Strangely, the kids still love us and want us more than anything. I'm still amazed by that every single day.

[Sarah Fain]

Dr. McC-- Yes, I always listen to my favorite David Wilcox song ("Hold It Up to the Light.") when I need to remember that!

Rebecca-- When I get overwhelmed with details, it's easy to forget that very important phrase: what will be will be. So true.

Cathi-- I should clarify, she wants me to eat bison MEAT, I think because it has blood enriching properties. No bison blood! Good thing, cuz there is no bison blood in my future!

Kat-- Y'know, that actually makes me feel better. What is about just knowing there are other people in the same boat that makes things better?

Thanks, Jessica-- And you have no idea how happy I was to hear about the chocolate thing! My writing partner, who is pregnant, was also overjoyed. The second I'm pregnant, I'm grabbing a chocolate bar!

Heather--Good point, Heather. It's not like LA is loaded with happy, nuclear families. I think organic free-range yada yada can kiss my ass already!

[EscapeVelocity]

You can make perfectly good bison stew in a crockpot. It also freezes fine, depending a little on what else you put in there.

[Abi Grace]

Speaking to the cooking concerns: As someone who can not even be in a kitchen without a glass of wine in hand to make it bearable I highly recomend pretty much every recipie that comes out of shape magazine or their website. (also note I am not being paid to say this at all) Most of them take 20 minuites,cooking skills are not required to make them, they focus on meeting nutritional needs as well as cutting out excess calories, and they are delicous.

[deb]

Doubt is a sign that you're being realistic about this whole undertaking, so I think what you're feeling is very healthy. For what it's worth, I'm 39 and recently married, and I spent the better part of a year feeling TREMENDOUS doubt about having a child with my husband (will we have enough $$ to raise him/her, am I too old to get pregnant on my own, will I have to go through IVF, will my kid have birth defects, what if my husband gets hit by a bus while I'm pregnant, etc.) Granted, I didn't have to make the decision to be a single mom, but there are some parallels to what you're going through. Finally I decided, or realized, that all the what-ifs were my brain's way of trying to talk me out of taking on the emotional risks (and rewards) of being a mother. So I told my husband, "Let's try." And BAM, a month later I was pregnant. Me, at the ripe old age of 39, or "AMA" as the doctor calls it. It's strange, but I've not had nearly the same doubts or fears since that fateful day when I peed on the stick and saw two lines three minutes later. I must have consumed most of my type-A worry during the "what-if" phase. I can only hope that you might be graced by a similar experience... something tells me you will not have trouble conceiving, when the time comes. Go for it. And good luck!