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Happy Birthday Sarah! I know you are probably sick of hearing this but I went through the same phase while waiting to get pregnant myself. Don't beat yourself up for the feelings you have, just feel them and try to move past them. I'm glad you found a new doctor and I'm sending fertile vibes your way in hopes that THIS IS YOUR YEAR! Best of luck to you and try to focus on the positive... You know: Attitude is everything, right?

Hey there lady. Well, if you were in my neck of the woods it would be your birthday so Happy Birthday.

My son Davis was born 2 months before my 40th birthday. I'm praying hard that you will have success with this new doctor and I just feel confident that it will happen.

Have a great day tomorrow (today)...Wednesday. You deserve it.
Take care and many hugs!

Happy birthday, Sarah!

Try hanging around some middle school kids. That always makes my uterus ache less.

Happy Birthday Sarah! I'm SOOO happy to hear you have a new doctor! The right doctor/team is so very important when you are 100% dependent on them to get pregnant. Enjoy your day.

Happy happy birthday Sarah! I cannot believe today is your birthday. The year went by SO fast (I remember reading your blog last year on your bday). Best wishes for a terrific day and an even better year full of happiness (and baby(s?). XX Amy

Happy Birthday, Sarah! This is it - 39! The age you will say when people ask how old you were when you had your first baby. 39. Still young, still healthy, with many, MANY great eggs left.

Hope you do something fun for yourself today. And here's to your new RE and your BFP!

Happy Birthday!

And for what it's worth, I went through the same thing and I never even wanted to be pregnant! I still get a pang sometimes when I see more "traditional" families and wonder why it didn't happen that way for me...

Happy Bday!!

Gah, your post made me feel sick to my stomach. I never thought I'd WORRY about that happening to me... but I'm starting to. Pulling for you. Let us know what else we (or I) can do to support you!

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

Here's to a successful knocking up year, and at least 4 months of the Mac & Cheese diet.

FILE UNDER: "Easer said than done," but seriously; Try to relax, and stay as positive as you can. It will really help!

I hope someone brought cupcakes to work (even though you made everyone promise not to.)

Have an awesome day!

Happy Birthday.

So what's it going to be - the cupcake or the soda? Treat yourself and remember, everyone turns 39 at least once :)

And this will be your year. A new team on your side will make all the difference, I can feel it.

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

I hope you have a lovely day and that motherhood finds you very soon.

I look forward to reading about the wonderful things, experiences, people and adventures you will have in your lucky 39th year on this little planet!

All my best,


Happy Birthday!
First of all, I didn't realize our birthdays were so close. Mine is Thursday. It will be number 38.
I have been having all of these feelings, exactly.
I am happy you have moved on to a new doctor!

I think I've just realized the reason why I connect so strongly to your blog. It's not just about motherhood and my own powerful draw to have children (which I have done twice but still angst over). It's because I'm in the middle of my own need, something over which I have so very little control, this desperate painful drive to be working. It probably sounds stupid and small when compared with your need to create life, but it's very real to me. And very maddening. And sometimes very exciting, depending on what meeting I've just had and what feedback and what week. And my age--which I obviously cannot control--matters, and that sucks. Maybe this isn't the place to talk about that and I'm sorry, but I get your need because -- even though it's a different need -- it's still a NEED and it hurts and it's big and it's real. And I'm so sorry you have to live through this and that it's hard. People who are going to be awesome parents should have an easier time become parents. It's just not fair.

All my rambling aside, I wish you a very happy birthday and hope that everyone around you treats you like a princess and that either your cupcake or your diet coke gives you great joy.

Oh, one more thing (I swear I'm a more succinct writer in other areas): feelings are not good or bad. They just ARE. It's okay and normal and human that you're having them. Feel your jealousy, acknowledge it, don't blame yourself, keep going forward. My two cents.

The day you post that you're pregnant (which I believe will happen), I am going to burst into happy tears for you.

@Jen K.

Very interesting. I totally get what you are saying. I think people have differing needs but they are no less real.

The difference, though, is that (maybe not in this economy!) it is relatively easy to get a job and to arrange one's life so that one can have a job. It is way harder to have a child, especially without a husband. I very felt this way before I met my husband. There are things you simply cannot "do," no matter how hard you try. Sometimes you need someone else's willing and able participation; sometimes it is a matter of biology.

If I might ask, how come you are not working when you have such a great desire to be?

Well, first, I have to thank everyone for the birthday wishes! Im completely overwhelmed and appreciative. (So far, BTW, the days going VERY well. And I just sent my assistant to McDs for the biggest Diet Coke she can find. Happy.)

Jen K., I hear you. A need is a need, no matter what it is. And though Actuarys right that there are jobs to be found, it seems to me (having been there-- oy!) that the jobs you want-- the ones that will fill the need-- are not easily gotten. So well both just have to hang in there and keep at it, and eventually all our needing and wanting will pay off! Dammit!

Ah, Actuary, I suspect that Jen K. is a writer


Of course there are differences. Major ones. Gigantic, huge, earth-shattering ones. I think (I hope!) I made that very clear in my post. That being said, I am a writer... in Hollywood... and in this world, there are also things that you sometimes cannot do no matter how hard you try. There is a horrible sense of beating your head against a wall, of forces completely out of your control holding your fate in their hands. And it's not that I am not "working"--every day is a chaotic juggling act for me. I guess I was vague in my post because this isn't a blog about work. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted it.

Jen K-- No! I'm glad you posted. And (obviously) I completely get it. It's funny, when Actuary wrote "there are some things you simply cannot 'do,' no matter how hard you try," I totally thought of trying to become a writer in Hollywood. It's just not one of those things that most people have any frame of reference for understanding-- including me, when I first moved here. (Then again, in some ways, the less you know when you're starting out the better.)

dear sarah, happy birthday!! have been following your blog for a while and thought today it's a nice opportunity to comment. have a positive year!

Happy birthday! Wishing you a fertile year. By this time next year either holding your darling child or sporting a big baby bump.

Happy Birthday! Thanks for the baby Jack shout out! Here's hoping that next year this time you're posting pics of Jack's new best friend...

@Jen K -- I love your post. I hope you find a fulfilling job, in writing, or anywhere, in the year ahead. And, like you, I fully expect to burst into tears when Sarah shares the news with us that she is expecting. -- Amy

PS I am eating a cupcake right now at my desk(and drinking a diet soda) in honor of your birthday Sarah. Cheers to 39!!

Ah, it was the need to "be working" that was ambiguous. I read it as the need to have a "job." I suppose it is fortunate that I have no frame of reference for being a Hollywood writer! In general, I often feel like a victim of circumstance or, more precisely, of happenstance. For years I was painfully lonely and longed for a boyfriend who was good enough to turn into a husband. But anything I tried to "do" about it didn't work. It was definitely forces completely out of my control that were in charge.

What hurts is that many of these fervent desires are fairly ordinary. People get married all the time. People have kids all the time. Hollywood is filled with (successful) writers, I guess. And yet fulfilling one's most important desire is by no means easy or assured, even with the most diligent effort.

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

39 has been a lucky year for me so far (my birthday was in early June), and I have a very good feeling that it's going to be a lucky year for you, too!

I think there's nothing at all wrong with feeling jealous when someone else gets what you so want to have, too. It's not that you're not happy for me or anyone else that gets their BFP, it's just that it's hard to be very happy for others when you're so sad for yourself. That being said, I still feel guilty for feeling so jealous when one of my best friends told me she was accidentally pregnant less than 6 weeks after my miscarriage, even though she had forgiven me even before she told me. Jealousy is normal, and so it guilt.

Someday soon, now that you have your new doc, someone else is going to be insanely jealous of your BFP, and then you can feel guilty about that.

Happy Birthday! Enjoy your Diet Coke!

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    What is Starfish Envy??

    • L.A. 2009. I’m stuck in traffic on the 101 freeway, listening to Isabella Rosselini on NPR. Isabella, for some reason, mentions that starfish are one of those rare species that can reproduce asexually, and I realize that if I could do that, I wouldn't have to worry about finding a boyfriend/husband. I wouldn’t have to internet date! I wouldn't have to figure out if I want to/can/should have a baby/adopt a baby/child on my own. I wouldn't have to stress about things like FSH levels, or weigh my feelings on in vitro versus adoption. I would just have a baby. Thus began my starfish envy.
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