Starfish Envy

The Littlest Garden In The World...

My friend Tracy is an incredible gardener.   She glances toward a flower and it blooms.  

Okay, she may do more than glance.  She may spend a ton of time and energy, and to be honest, she's spent a good part of her life developing an extensive store of knowledge of all things green.

I'm very impressed by it, and find the whole arena thoroughly intimidating.  However, after seeing the grounds (and they really are grounds) of her house in Ojai this weekend, I'm feeling inspired to try my hand at gardening.

In a small way.

Very small.

Tiny.

Three tomato plants and two small blueberry bushes.  In pots.  On my front patio. (Which is still very much a work in progress, incidentally.  Soon there will be planters all around the top of the wall, with a rosemary privacy shrub.  Can't wait!)

I have no idea if this is going to be a successful experiment or not... but it's been two days, and I haven't killed anything yet.

That's a start.

A Snooze To Remember

Yesterday I went to Ojai, to visit some friends who recently bought a house there.  It was a perfect day, full of sun and trees and blue skies and art walks and farmer's market food...

I wouldn't have changed a moment.

Except that I fell asleep on their couch.

In the middle of the afternoon.

In my defense, it's a really comfortable couch.  And the breeze coming through the windows was completely hypnotic.  And the music was that perfect blend of cool and calming AND I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF, OKAY???

Before anyone gets excited that I'm feeling that famous first-trimester exhaustion, it's not that.  It's just that I'm taking estrogen again... and estrogen sucks every ounce of energy from my body.  It happened in the first part of my cycle, and it's happening again now with a vengeance.

Fortunately, I have friends who are cool when you pass out in their sunporch, and then, forty-five minutes later, still like you enough to feed you homemade guacamole.

Thanks, T&M.  XO, S.

 

A Soft Spot For The Canucks

Okay, yes, yesterday was an exciting day, what with the embryo transfer and all.

But guess what happened today?

I got THIS in the mail from a Canadian friend and fellow Canucks fan!

Now, I have a Daniel Sedin jersey, and a t-shirt with the Canucks' logo, and a Canucks cap... but somehow this pillow makes my fandom official.  It has just the right amount of kitch, while still making me INCREDIBLY EXCITED for the Stanley Cup Finals.

The what?

THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!!  And I am gonna be clutching this sucker through every second of every game until the Canucks are hoisting that Cup above their heads and the entire country of Canada explodes with joy.

It has to be a good sign that the Canucks locked their spot in the finals the night before my transfer, right?

I'm gonna say yes.

I'm gonna say it was a sign.

Here's hoping the winning streak continues for the Canucks... and for me.

And Now The Wait Begins...

Transfer done!

And I really can't imagine a better transfer experience.  

As soon as I got to my doctor's office, I popped my valium and they put me in a special, comfy room.  My acupuncturist came in and worked her needle magic.  When that was done, and this was THE BEST PART, the nurses actually wheeled in the incubator that my embryos had been growing in and let me see them through a microscope!  Just about the coolest thing you can imagine.  There they were, clear as day, three little embryos all in a line.   

My doctor had shown me pictures of them already, and looking through the microscope I could actually tell which was which.  One of the embryos was eight cells and looked really great, another was 7 cells and looked pretty good, and another was 7 cells but looked kinda wonky.

Here they are:  (Awesome, right?)

Of course, there's no way of knowing if any of them are chromosomally normal-- well, there is a way, but I didn't do it-- so how they look doesn't necessarily mean anything. But I'm thinking positively!  

Anyway, then my doctor loaded the embryos into a catheter and let me watch via ultrasound as she put them in the exact right spot in my uterus-- I could actually see a little white dot as she placed them.  Crazy cool.  Wasn't the most comfortable experience of my life, but it was fast and exciting, and all that stress I was feeling yesterday had totally evaporated.  (Thank you, valium.)

When the main event was over, my acupuncturist broke out the needles again, and then WP was waiting to take me home.  I spent the rest of the day with my feet up, watching re-runs of Parks and Rec and Modern Family.   (Studies have suggested that people who laugh right after IVF have a better chance of success.  So I laughed, dammit!)

In general, the whole IVF experience has been a lot easier than I was expecting.  

Yes, there were the days of utter exhaustion.  And yes, it was a pain in the ass constantly driving to the Westside for appointments.  And hell yeah, it was expensive.  

But the shots weren't bad.  I didn't get crazy emotional.  None of the procedures were hellish.  

I never wanted to do IVF, but now that I've done it... I would do it again.  I guess I just feel like the universe led me to this incredible team of people-- my acupuncturist, my doctor, my therapist-- so something good has got to come of it, right? 

Hopefully this time (please please please please), but if not, then next time...  

Anybody Have Any Calgon?

Who's been a stressed out mess all day?

I'VE been a stressed out mess all day!!!

I can't meditate my way out of it or think my way out of it or Canucks game my way out of it.  Nothing is distracting.  My chest is tight, my stomach is butterfly-y, my head is a jumble.

I can't even really identify what I'm stressed about.  

Am I stressed that this might not work?  Or am I stressed that after all this time, there's finally a chance that it really might happen?  Am I stressed about the three embryos that are growing somewhere across town?  I have no idea how they're doing today, and while I totally get that the embryologists don't want to disturb them any more than necessary, it's also MAKING ME CRAZY.  I'm stressed about getting my house done (I'm so close... so f'ing close).  I'm stressed about choosing a bedroom color.  I'm stressed about work.  I'm stressed about the tornadoes in Joplin.  I'm stressed about the hot spot on Daisy's leg.  I'm stressed about whether the taxi will show up on time to take me to my appointment tomorrow.  I'm stressed about whether I'm going to want milk tomorrow.  Should I go shopping for milk?  I don't feel like it, BUT WHAT IF I WANT MILK?????

See what I mean?

It's ugly over here.

I try to remind myself that even though I'm having trouble connecting with my inner calm, there are a lot of people sending positive messages to the universe on my behalf... and for now, that's going to have to be enough.  (Let me take this opportunity to say THANK YOU to each and every one of you.)  

And to think I was considering NOT taking the valium tomorrow.

If only they'd given me more than one...

Five, Four, Three...

1:05-- Okay, it's a full hour past "late morning," which is when I was supposed to hear something from the embryologist, and I'm quietly freaking out.  Of course, now it's lunch time, so I won't hear anything for at least an hour.  Think I'll do some yoga breathing.

2:27-- At what point am I not a crazy, annoying patient for calling them before they call me?

3:20-- Finally caved and called.  The guy who was supposed to call me this morning, just didn't!  Then he left early.  So it's a good thing I called.  (Arg.  Double arg.  Arg.)  Anyway.  A very nice woman told me that of the five eggs retrieved, four were mature, and three of those fertilized.  The fourth is still in a dish with some sperm, so maybe something will happen there?  Dunno how that works.  They're going to check it again tomorrow.  They won't look at the other embryos again until Wednesday morning.  She thinks I'm going to be doing a Wednesday transfer, but she's going to check and call me back.

So... three.  Better than two, worse than four.

3:35-- Yep.  Transfer Wednesday.  Late morning-ish.  

And... my wonderful yoga instructor is planning a meditation that evening specifically focused on what's goin' on with me, so although I'm supposed to be on something close to bed rest for the rest of that day, I'll be rebelling and heading a few blocks up the street to meditate and think positive thoughts.

In other news, I finished my Canuck's-themed baby blanket for my friends and fellow Canucks fans' new baby boy:

Go, Canucks, Go! 

 

One, Two, Three, Four, Five

Eggs retrieved!

Now there's a whole new slew of medications to begin in advance of transfer, which will likely be Wednesday, but could possibly be Friday.  

In general, the whole procedure was quick and easy.  One minute I was on the operating room table saying "I think I'll go to Bora Bora," and the next I was waking up in recovery, mumbling about how nice everyone is.  

My doctor got five eggs, which is about as good as I could have hoped for.  They were fertilized sometime this afternoon, and tomorrow I'll find out how they're doing.  

Somewhere on the Westside of Los Angeles, I have embryos growing!  

Hopefully, anyway.

There's always a chance all five of my eggs could be a bust.  But, man, I hope not.

In the meantime, I'm knitting away on a baby blanket that I've been working on for over two years.  I keep putting it down to make blankets for other people's babies.  

I'd really like this blanket to be for mine.

A Medley of Meds

Went to the doctor AGAIN today... and will be heading right back there tomorrow morning.  Looks like we're on track for retrieval on Sunday.  My doctor is still hopeful that there will be more than four follicles ready.  I'm still not holding my breath... but you never know, right?

In the meantime, I just went and bought out the whole darn pharmacy!

There's shots and patches and tablets and pills and vials and syringes and I don't even know what most of them are for yet.  Tomorrow I'll get a whole big sheet of exactly what to take and when, and thank goodness for that because this stuff is OVERWHELMING.

Now, before I sign off, I have to give a particular shout out to Shannon at Chasing Rainbows, who had a baby LAST WEEK (yes, LAST WEEK!) but who has still been kind enough to read this little blog and leave the most wonderful, supportive comments. Shannon, you amaze me.  And I'm so happy for you and Finn.  (He's a pumpkin, ya'll-- click over to Chasing Rainbows and see for yourselves.  PUMPKIN.)

 

Just A Little Bit

Long day.  Good day.

Beginning with a very long, very early drive across town to the sperm bank (yes, the technical term is cryobank, but let's call a sperm bank a sperm bank, shall we?) to pick up a tank with two vials of ICI premium from my new and amazing donor, then on to the doctor for bloodwork and an ultrasound (also dropped off the vials, so they're there when we're ready for them), then back to the sperm bank to return the tank, then to acupuncture for my e-stim protocol. 

By noon I was at an early working lunch with WP, followed by an afternoon of brainstorming and breaking, then home for a quick dinner while watching the Canucks game, and on to an 8 p.m. meditation class.

Came out of the meditation class, relaxed and focused, to find that the Canucks had claimed a totally ass kicking 3-7 victory over the Sharks!!!  Woo hoo!!!! 

Seven seems to be the big number today.  I still have seven follicles, and five of them are looking pretty good.  I have to go in AGAIN tomorrow morning-- if the other two seems to be advancing enough, my doctor may push retrieval until Sunday to give them a little more time to grow, and hopefully give me a couple more eggs to put in the petri dish.

The fatigue I've been feeling also seems to have lifted.  It disappeared quite suddenly yesterday afternoon, which concerned me a little.  Was my estrogen level falling?  But my bloodtest results came back this afternoon, and my estrogen levels have more than doubled since yesterday (which is exactly what they should have done-- yay!), so perhaps my body is just adjusting.  

Whatever it is, I'm grateful.  

And now that I'm not so tired, I'm starting to feel just a little bit optimistic.

Just a little bit.

But I like it.

Schedule Of Events

Another appointment with the doctor in the morning.  Keep growing, follicles!!!