Starfish Envy

Quitting Time?

One day at a time.

By which I do not mean the lightning in a bottle that was the 70's Valerie Bertinelli, Connie Franklin, Mackenzie Phillips sitcom extravaganza.

I mean me.

One.  Day.  At.  A.  Time.

For the first time, yesterday, someone suggested that I give up.  

"You've been doing this such a long time," she said.  Implication being that if I haven't gotten pregnant yet, I'm not going to.  

So I explained that all the times I tried, I had polyps that no one knew about.  Which kept me from getting pregnant.  And the one IUI I've done since the polyps were removed was futile, because my sperm donor's numbers were so abysmal.  

Upshot being that the year and half I've put into this has been entirely pointless.  So while it SEEMS like and FEELS like I've been doing this forever, in reality... I haven't even started yet.

Which comes close to making me want to slit my wrists.  

Not really.

I'm not quite there yet.  But it does suck supremely.

To be so tired and to have put so much in... for nothing.  To know that there was never a chance.  And that in the year I've wasted my fertility has declined fairly dramatically.

Whatever.

I'm not quitting.  

Yet.  

 

IUI Number Eight

Well.  THAT was a day.

All did not go as I would have hoped-- just want you to know that up front.  The end result was okay, but I'm certainly not holding my breath that this particular IUI is going to result in a pregnancy.

Why?

My new donor is a dud.

I only bought one vial-- because that was all the sperm bank had available.  But I only needed one, so that was okay... until I was at my doctor's office this morning, and they tested the sperm, and the counts came back bad.  Very bad.  After thaw, my new dud of a donor had only 10% motility.  My doctor likes to see at least 50% motility.  And his numbers weren't very good to begin with, so there were only about 750,000 motile sperm.

For comparison purposes, my old donor-- after thaw-- always came in around 14 million. 

At this point, my doctor said there was probably no point trying to use the first vial, and she thought I should find another donor.  Unfortunately, as you know, this donor was the only one I really liked.  My second choice had a family history of manic depression, and there was no third choice.  

And keep in mind, as this was all happening, I was ABOUT TO OVULATE.  As in, I couldn't even wait until the end of the day.  If I was going to do an IUI this month, I had to make a decision.  Fast.

So I called the sperm bank, told them the first vial sucked, and asked if there was another vial from the same donor available-- but from a different batch.  Amazingly, there was.

At which point, I started having fantasies of a vial with 70% motility and 20 million sperm... fantasies that were dashed as soon as I went back to the bank, got the new vial, brought it back to my doctor, the lab tested it, and the numbers SUCKED AGAIN.

Fortunately, they weren't AS bad.  They were decent enough that when combined with the first vial, we got up to 4.5 million motile sperm.  

A far cry from my old donor's 14 million.

Now, if one of those sperm manages to survive and make it to the egg, and that somehow results in me having a healthy baby nine months from now... I'll rethink my opinion of this donor very quickly.  

But in the meantime, he's a dud.  

What a drag.

Some Happy News!

First, does everybody know that Gretchen Rubin's intelligent and inspiring book The Happiness Project came out in paperback today?  If you haven't read it, I really can't recommend it highly enough.  

Will it totally change your life?  

Actually, it might.  

But even if it doesn't totally change your life, I guarantee it'll change your life at least a little for the better.  

Because, c'mon.   Who doesn't need to be happier?

Second... to completely and utterly change the subject, I called the sperm bank this morning, and there was one vial left from the donor I liked!  One!

So I bought it.  Going in for another ultrasound tomorrow morning, and we'll take it from there.

Thanks for all the good luck wishes.

And feel free to keep 'em coming!

An Unexpected Opportunity...

I went to see my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) today, and my uterus is completely all better!

Which was great to hear, of course.  

Then, this afternoon, it suddenly hit me that-- what with my healthy uterus, and all-- I could try to fit in an IUI this week.  

I have a follicle that's about to pop (well, in the next couple days) and since I won't be able to do IVF until mid to late May... I mean, why not?

Of course, this means that I have to choose a new sperm donor.  Immediately.  

So I spent a long time tonight searching and searching and searching online... and there are a couple of real possibilities.  Unfortunately, one has a history of manic depression in his family, and I don't think that's a risk I want to take.  Which leaves one other option, and he has very few vials left.  Arg!  

How much would it suck if I call in the morning and there are no vials available from the one donor I really want?

Wish me luck.  More tomorrow...

Back To The Donor Drawing Board

Oh, GOD.

It's just hit me that I have to find a new sperm donor.  

I've obviously known this for quite some time-- a couple months, at least.  And yet it didn't really land full force until today.

Uuuugh.

A couple months ago, I thought I'd found someone I liked... but the more time passes, the less appealing he seems.  Too much chin, not enough brains.  He's not The One.  

But the thought of delving into all those donor profiles again... I'd almost rather internet date.  (Not really.  I hate internet dating.)

The most frustrating thing is, I liked my OLD DONOR!!!

But thanks to my stupid polyp-y uterus-- and my stupid old doctor-- Old Donor never had a chance.

Which makes me wonder: what's the adult equivalent of whining, stomping my feet, and flailing wildly on the floor?

Because I think this situation deserves a really good temper tantrum.

Followed by an even better nap.

How To Choose A Sperm Donor

I've been wanting to write about the process of choosing a sperm donor for awhile now.  It's sort of an odd thing to write about, and feels somehow more personal than... well, pretty much anything.  

Still, since I'm out of Donor 11460 and I'm once again on the sperm market, if I'm ever gonna write about it... now's the time.

So here goes.

How To Choose A Sperm Donor!

[Digression: Whoa.  I just got really upset.  Out of nowhere, a whoosh of I don't even know what just swept over me.  Wasn't expecting that.  God, I hate this process.  Okay, then.  Let's put that aside for later.] 

How To Choose A Sperm Donor!  Take two.

1) Research sperm banks.  There are all kinds of banks.  Some of them are slick and flashy and have tons of donors (my bank, California Cryobank, falls in this category), some are small and specialized.  Do a Google search, and you'll be shocked at the number of sperm banks that pop up.  See which one feels comfortable to you.  See if any of them are in your area.  (I picked California Cryobank because it's in L.A., and when I need sperm I just run by and pick it up.  I find this preferable to having sperm shipped, but many, many people do the shipping thing.)

2) Decide if you want an anonymous donor or an open-identity donor.  Anonymous donors are not willing to ever be known to offspring.  Open-ID donors (there are many names for this, and variations on the theme, but you get the idea) are willing to be contacted once a child turns 18.  Read some of the research, consider your feelings and the feelings of your future child, and make an informed decision.

3) Figure out what paperwork needs to be filled out.  Often, you have to have something signed by your doctor before you can buy or pick up or ship sperm.  Every sperm bank is different.  

4) Start browsing the merchandise.  It's really as simple as going online.  There are several links to sperm banks (the official term is cryobank, but let's call a sperm bank a sperm bank, why don't we) listed on the Starfish Envy Resource Page, which is a great place to start, but don't stop there.  It's not even close to being an exhaustive list.

5) As you're browsing, start figuring out your priorities.  Do you care what your donor looks like?  Or do you only care about how educated he is?  Do you want a donor from a particular religious tradition?  Are there particular diseases you want to avoid in the donor's medical history?  

I, for example, rule out donors with a family history of Alzheimer's.  I also rule out donors with suspiciously clear medical histories.  I figure they're hiding something or they don't have complete information for some reason.  I want a donor who's well educated, and whose answers indicate that they're smart.  I look for donors who, in the most general way, look like me or my family.  I rule out donors with handwriting that looks like my first step-dad's (it's a gut thing).  I have a particular affection for donors that like dogs and travel.  Musical is a plus.      

This is a very individual stage of the process.  There are a million questions, a million ways to order your preferences.  So do A LOT of browsing.  Banks offer a decent amount of free information on their donors -- you don't have to buy any extras yet.  Don't narrow the field until you've really looked around and started to understand what's important to you and why.

4) Now, narrow the field.  When you've got it down to your top three to five, buy the extras.  Buy every extra that's available.  Audio interview, childhood photo, the whole shebang.  You never know where the warning sign is going to be.  I LOVED one donor until I listened to his audio interview, after which I HATED him passionately.  Why?  Can't really say.  Just didn't like the guy.  And be open to positive signs, too: I knew I wanted 11460 when I saw his childhood picture.  There was just something about it.

Some people have sperm-choosing parties, and I considered it... but it's not really my thing.  I did show WP several donors at various points in my selection process, but didn't show her the one I ended up choosing until I'd already made the purchase.  It never hurts to get feedback, but remember that it's your decision.  Likely, it's the biggest decision you're ever going to make.  The only people you have to answer to are you and your future child.   

5) When you're ready, pick your favorite.  Then sleep on it.  At least overnight.

6) Whip it out.  And by 'it' I mean your credit card.  'Cause sperm ain't cheap.  

7) Accept that for all the thinking and analyzing and doubts... ultimately, choosing a sperm donor is pretty much just like love.  

When you know, you know.

In Which I Confess

I prayed. 

I admit it, okay?  And I am not a praying person.  But this morning... sitting in my doctor's office, holding the frozen vial of swimmers, waiting for them to warm up and wake up... I prayed.

And I mean I prayed sincerely.

There were a lot of thank yous in my prayer-- starting with a big one to my donor (I will write about how I chose my donor soon, I promise.  It's just such a big thing.  I get overwhelmed every time I start to think about it.), and followed by several more to God, though I'm not even actually sure I believe in him.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't.  I believe in something, just not so much in God, per se.  Nonetheless, he got a lot of thanks from me today.

And one not-so-simple request: a happy, healthy baby.

Or two would be fine, God.

In case You read this blog, I want You to know: I'm totally down with two.

Not Ideal, But Better Than Nothing. Probably.

So here's what I did.  

I called first thing this morning and said I wanted to come in before lunch and have an ultrasound before I took the trigger shot.

My doctor did the ultrasound, which showed that I had already ovulated.  As I predicted would be the case.  

So no point in taking a trigger shot.  

Based on the ultrasound, my doctor thought I ovulated last night or this morning.  Making it worthwhile-- not ideal, but worthwhile-- to do an IUI today. And utterly pointless to do a second one tomorrow. 

What would have been ideal?  Inseminating yesterday and today.  Which I knew.  

Unfortunately, I didn't push it when I should have, and that ship has sailed.

My doctor would have done another insemination tomorrow, but I asked how long eggs live after ovulation (24-36 hours), did the math in my head, and reminded her that I have a limited amount of sperm from this donor (3 vials left), so I don't want to waste any.  She agreed that doing another insemination tomorrow is probably a waste.  Also, there are studies that show one well-timed IUI is just as good as two.  Of course, "well-timed" are the keys words there.

So.  Now I've done an insemination on a day my extremely expensive fertility monitor considered "low fertility."  

But I know from the ultrasound Saturday that there were two good sized follicles there, ready to pop, and the odds seem good to me that the eggs were still viable by the time I did the insemination today.

Only time will tell.

I'm not holding my breath.

Either way, your comments were extremely helpful.  Not only did they help me today, but they will help me next month, when I INSIST on a trigger shot as soon as my follicle(s) are 20mm, and then INSIST on doing two inseminations in a row, regardless of whether one of those inseminations falls on a Sunday.

Grrrrrrr.

And So It REALLY Begins...

So... yesterday and today I had my first IUIs.  

What strikes me most is how untraumatic it all was.  It really wasn't a big deal-- at least, not if you don't factor in the possible outcome.  

For a long time, I didn't even consider trying to get pregnant with donor sperm because it seemed... well, kinda gross.  What with the random stranger sperm and all.  

In fact, it's significantly less gross than... pretty much everything.  You just take a little vial out of a liquid nitrogen tank (and by you, I mean the nurse), and then you hold it while it warms up.  And this time, by "you" I mean me.  You just hold the little vial in your palm, and in about ten minutes, it's all warmed up and good to go.

I actually think it's quite nice that my OB does it that way.  Sort of lets you feel like you're participating in the process beyond just... y'know.  Laying there and having ovaries.  

The insemination itself is actually less painful than a Pap smear.  And faster.  At least, for me it was, because according to my OB, I have a "good cervix."  Yay, me!

Then you just lie on the table, with your head tilted down, for about twenty minutes.  

And then you go home.  

Or, in my case, to lunch with friends and then to a nearby hotel to see my friend B's pilot getting shot.  

All in all, not a bad day.  

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Lest anyone think I'm being cavalier about all this... starting with a post on the mechanics seems to make sense somehow.  I think I'm still processing the hugeness of the other stuff.  All while reminding myself that most likely nothing will come of this cycle.  

But wouldn't it be nice if something did?

What Do I Do Now?

I've been trying to figure out how to approach blogging as I move into this Trying To Conceive stage.  

The options seem to be these:

1) Full blackout on all things conception-related.  This avoids many potential hazards-- such as having to say I'm pregnant much sooner than I usually would; or writing about having a miscarriage (I'm not being negative, just realistic-- it's very common, especially at my age.).

2) Full disclosure.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I'm pretty open and honest here, anyway.  But there are some potentially very turbulent waters ahead now that I'm moving from theory to reality.  If I commit to the good, the bad, and the ugly... we could all be in for some REALLY ugly.

3) Play it by ear.  I'm leaning toward this one.  I don't know how I'll feel two weeks from now when I'm coming to the end of my first Two Week Wait (assuming, that is, that things go smoothly tomorrow, when I'm scheduled for my first IUI). 

It's all very complicated.  The whole reason I started this blog, after all, was to write about this journey from being plain ol' me to being a happy, healthy, single mom by choice.  

And already I've gotten more out of it than I ever could have hoped-- this blog and the people who read it have been extraordinarily helpful-- more than helpful, really-- throughout the Thinking Stage.  

I'm sure the same will be true throughout the Trying Stage.

I'd love to know what you think.  Is there an approach I haven't thought of?  Am I making this more complicated than it is? 

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Also, a reader (and fellow writer) named Jen made a GREAT comment that helped me clarify some of my thoughts on the whole picking-a-sperm-donor subject, so that post will be coming this week...