Starfish Envy

One Foot In Front Of The Other

Saturday morning, I gathered up George's things-- food, toys, leash-- and dropped him off at Downtown Dog Rescue.  

I got a little teary when I said goodbye.

And then I came home.  I expected to fall apart, but I didn't.

I felt... flat.

Which is pretty much how I've been feeling since I found out I had to cancel IVF on Friday.

Flat.

Numb.

I've written about numbness before, but it's been awhile since I felt it.

I just kinda hit my limit.  There's no point in crying.  There's nothing to do.  (Except everything I'm already doing, which I have to keep doing, including taking hormone shots.  Ugh.)

It just is what it is.  

There's nothing to do but get through it.  

I know in a few days I'll feel fine.  

Just in time for a two week wait.  And we all know how fun THOSE are.

Yeesh. 

So Much For That

IVF #2 is canceled.  

I went to the doctor this morning and my follicles are no longer synchronized.  One follicle has taken a significant lead, and two others are still growing well, but the rest have completely stalled or disappeared.

Which basically means that this protocol-- Clomid, then Menopur and Bravelle-- doesn't work for me at all.

I also HATE how it makes me feel, which is incessantly miserable and depressed.

All told, I can't wait for this whole cycle to be over.

I have to take the meds for one more day, then take a trigger shot on Sunday, then I'll go in for a good, old-fashioned IUI on Tuesday morning.  

After that...

Le'ts just say I won't be holding my breath.

And Now I Shoot Up In Bathrooms

You guys are pretty cool.

And you're right.  Again!

Lots of people have positive outcomes with six follicles.  Or five.  Probably even four.  It's all about egg quality, not quantity.

Just gotta stay the course.  

So that's what I'm doing.

Tonight the course led me straight into a bathroom in my therapist's building in Beverly Hills, where I had to mix and inject two hormone shots.  

So.  Fun.  

(You have to take them at the same time every day, and the drive is so long that I couldn't take the shots before I left the house or wait until I got home again.)

Anyway, I was there in the stall, saline solution and drug vials sitting on top of the aluminum toilet paper holder.  And as I was clearing air from a needle, having mixed the saline solution with the Menopur powder, I caught a motion out of the corner of my eye and realized that the door to the stall had somehow unlocked itself and opened several inches.  

By the time I got to the door, whoever had been there was gone.  

But I'm pretty sure some nice lady in Beverly Hills thinks I'm a heroin addict.

Grumpy, Sad, Frustrated, Tired. And How Are YOU Today?

Apparently, I only have six follicles.  

If I had known that five days ago, I probably would have decided not to proceed with IVF.  But seven, which is what I supposedly had back then, was juuuuuust enough to make it worth moving forward.

Only I don't have seven.

I have six.

And by the time retrieval rolls around, they probably won't all be synchronized, so there will be fewer than that.

So to distract me from how upset I am about only having six follicles, I went to see Crazy Stupid Love, which is all about soul mates and love and NOW I JUST WANT TO CRY AND THROW THINGS.

I'm trying to so hard to make my life what I want it to be.  I'm doing everything I can think of to do.  And what do I get?  

Six follicles.

Fuck it.

I should just go live in a cave.

I'm sure the hormone injections aren't helping.

Onward!

We're a go for IVF!

Seven follicles, just like the last time.  

Of course, I wanted more.  But at least the follicles are better synchronized than last time... so maybe I'll end up with more embryos?

My FSH is 4, which is amazing. (I credit acupuncture 100%.)

We're doing a different protocol this time.  Clomid pills daily, and shots of Bravelle and Menopur every other day.  

I'm a fan of this protocol already, for two reasons.  One, I don't have to take as many shots.  And two, these meds are SO much cheaper than Follistim.  My pharmacy bills was something like $650 today-- less than half what it was on the Follistim protocol.  Nice! 

I go back again in five days to see how my follicles are doing.  I keep hoping maybe a couple more will pop up, but that's probably not realistic.  

All I know is I'm happy to be DOING, finally, instead of just PREPARING.

And I hope, in a few weeks, what I'm doing is BEING PREGNANT. 

The Final Countdown

Alright, men out there.  I'm gonna warn you now.  This post will mention periods.  Not in detail, not overly much, but the subject will be bandied about a bit.  So.  Consider yourself warned.

.

It's been awhile since I actually WANTED to get my period.  

But right now, I'm ANXIOUS for it.  I go to Fertility Friend and check and then double check what day of my cycle it currently is, and then count how many days it's likely to be until my period starts.

Will this be a twenty-eight day cycle?  Twenty-nine?  Thirty?  Or will my body go nutty, and spring into action on Day 27?

My last cycle was 30 days.  The one before that, twenty-nine.  

I'm twenty-six days into my current cycle, so... Friday?  Saturday?

Which means a Day Two appointment with my doctor on Sunday or Monday.  

Personally, I'm hoping for Saturday, because that means I can cancel my trainer on Monday morning without having to feel guilty about not exercising.  (I'll have to drive across town for a morning appointment.  I swear I'm not just lazy.  I mean, I am lazy.  But I'm not JUST lazy.)

That Day Two appointment is when I'll find out how many follicles I have... and whether there are enough of them to proceed with my second round of IVF.

The timing's definitely not bad for an IVF round.  WP and I have a lot of work to do, but our hours are fairly flexible, so I can drive across town seven thousand times and take a couple days off for procedures without making anyone's life difficult.

In a perfect world, George would be in his "forever home," wherever that may be, so I wouldn't have to deal with his occasionally overwhelming energy level... but you can't have everything.  (Although if anyone knows anyone who'd like George, NOW'S A GOOD TIME!)  Worst case scenario, I'll just have my dog-walker do extra visits on the days I won't be able to exercise him enough to keep him calm.

But that's all premature.  

For now, I'm just on period watch.

Waiting.

Patiently.

Okay, not so much patiently.

But waiting.

Hot Time In The Old Town Tonight

It's been three months since I last took estrogen in preparation for IVF.

Which is just long enough for me to have forgotten how EXHAUSTED those tiny little pills make me.  

I could easily have gone to bed at six tonight.  As it is, I'm hoping to make it until nine.

You know me.  

I'm just a wild and crazy gal.

Now THAT'S Clarity!

Wow!  There definitely seems to be a consensus that if I have a decent numbers of follicles I should go straight to IVF, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, GO STRAIGHT TO IVF.

Not that IVF is jail... although it is on a rigid schedule, and the outfits aren't great.  By which I mean the hospital gowns you wear for the procedures.  Okay, this Monopoly thing I've got going is a bit of a stretch.

But yeah.  I think you're right.  

If the follicles are there, I should go for it. 

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow, but I don't think she'll be able to tell yet how many follicles there will be at the start of my next cycle.  It's mostly just to confirm that I ovulated and decide if I'm going to start taking estrogen in order to hopefully up my follicle count.

In the meantime... I'm almost forty.  One day and counting.

So.  Weird.

A Little Clarity, Please

In the next couple weeks I'm going to have to decide if it's time to do another round of IVF.

It's a tough thing, because if I have enough follicles to make it worthwhile... I kinda have to go for it.  

But if I actually got pregnant, and if the pregnancy stuck, I'd be having a baby at the absolute worst time, career-wise... but that's only if (BIG if) everything goes perfectly, career-wise, for the next ten months.  

It's a conundrum.  What are the odds of everything going perfectly both in my personal and my professional life... ever?  But at the same time?  And how ironic that if everything DID go perfectly, it could be a total disaster.

I could wait a couple months... but I'M SO OLD!    

Ugh.

I just want the answer to be clear.  Either too few follicles to bother with IVF... or a LOT of follicles so I have to jump, concerns be damned.  

When will things be simple?

Taking A Breather

I think I need a new computer.  

Last night, my little Mac simply wouldn't turn on.  No matter what buttons I pushed, what cords I unplugged... nothing.  

Tonight, I got things up and running, but it took some time. Arg. 

Anyway.  On to the REAL subject of the day!  

IVF!!!

Thanks for all the comments about flying-- you're right, of course.  If women fly to and from clinics to have transfers done, clearly flying is fine.  I hadn't thought of that, and the reminder definitely made me feel better about the prospect.

Unfortunately, in my case, it's moot... because it turns out that I'm not doing IVF this month.  I had some residual cysts on my left ovary, so this month is a no go.  

As much as I'd like to keep the train rolling, it'll be nice to take a break from all the doctor's appointments and drugs, and just have my life back for a little while.  

My life!

The job, the family, the dogs, the friends, the hobbies, the travel, the house... it's quite a life, even without the constant focus on fertility.  

I think I'll take a little time to enjoy it.