Starfish Envy

One Singular Sensation

Based on everything I know about myself, I thought that if I ever did manage to get pregnant, I would spend my entire pregnancy with knitting needles in my hands.

Turns out I don't know myself that well.

Am I knitting?  

Well, yes.

But not the way I thought I would.

Instead of a long list of blankets and booties and sweaters and hats, and hours pouring over patterns... I'm making one blanket.

One.

Now, it's a doozy of a blanket.  Multiple balls of yarn working at all times, a complicated pattern, twelve different colors... probably the most challenging thing I've ever done, aside from some Fair Isle knitting and the miscellaneous fisherman's sweater.

And it's going to be beautiful.  Something I hope my daughter will be able to save and pass on to her children, the way my step-mom passed the quilt my grandmother made for my father on to me.

I know it doesn't look like much yet... but it's going to be gorgeous, and special, and one of a kind.

Just like Little Girl. 

Look, Mom, No Hands!

That's kinda how I feel right now, pregnancy-wise.

No estrogen patch!  No progesterone pills!  Just me!

Wheeeee!!!!

I don't know if I should be nervous, but suddenly I'm just not.

Perhaps because I feel exactly the way I did when I was on the hormones: exhauted, queasy, and food averse.  

And my boobs still hurt.  So I figure all's well, knock wood!

Today I started my first knitting project for the wee one.  It's a gorgeous linen blanket with a gender-neutral fairyland pattern... perfect for a summer baby.  I bought all the materials a couple years ago, intending to make the blanket for a friend's baby... but it was so complicated I abandoned it and made something else.  But I really love the pattern and the yarn, so I'm diving in again.

Plus, there's a certain optimism inherent to starting a project for the baby.

And I'm embracing optimism this days.

Good things ahead!

.

On a completely different note... what a beautiful eulogy by Mona Simpson, for her brother, Steve Jobs.  

Okay, So He's No Chuck

(That's a Dooce reference, for the one of you who isn't familiar with the brilliant and amazing Heather Armstrong.) 

Any.  Hoo.

I finally finished the Sweater That Tried to Kill Me, and Moose wanted to show it you.

Turns out, he's been waiting for his close-up.

Won't it be nice when I have built-in cabinets on either side of the mantle hiding all of those ugly wires?

Ah, someday.

I Guess Bigger Could Be Better...?

Aaaahhhhh, the sweater.

It's coming along.   The body's done, and I'm working away with double point needles on the arms.

It's gorgeous, to be perfectly frank.  The only problem is... it's ENORMOUS.

I meant for it to be roomy-cozy, but I must have misjudged the gauge (yes, fellow knitters, I did do a swatch... just not a good one, apparently) and my roomy-cozy sweater has instead become a merino/alpaca/mohair muumuu.

I put it over my neck a couple nights ago, and WITH MY ARMS INSIDE it's still huge.  

Hilarious.

Fortunately, WP pointed out a bright side.   If I do manage to get pregnant, it's a PERFECT maternity sweater.  

Bring on the triplets!

I Don't Wanna Do More Do Overs

I have now re-started FOR THE FIFTH TIME what, from this day forward, will be known as This F'ing Sweater That's Trying to Kill Me.

My most recent mistakes?  A missed increase on a lace round, and a twisted cast-on.

For those of you who don't speak knitter-ese, the first one wasn't a big deal.  I could've done a quick fix and gone on, but I would've always known the mistake was there, so I decided to suck it up and start over.

But the twisted cast-on?  That's a beginners mistake.  A brain fart.   A head-shaker.  

And something I've never done before.

Perhaps I'm a little distracted lately?

When my doctor called on Monday to officially tell me that I'm not pregnant, she said that it is possible to go straight into another round of IVF.  If I have a good number of follicles, and if they're synchronized.  

I'll be heading in for an ultra-sound in the next day or so to see what's going on follicle-wise, and then I'll have to decide if I'm plowing ahead or taking a month or two off.  

It's a tough one.  And I'm really not sure what the best route is...

Hopefully the ultrasound will make things a little clearer.  

In the meantime, I'm just gonna keep knitting.  

And hope I don't have to do IVF five times before I get it right.

Don't Stop Believin'

So... you all know I knit.

Well, for the last week, I've been making myself a sweater.

I don't remember the last time I made something for myself.  A couple years ago, I started a lovely wool wrap but never finished it.  Before that... lemme think... ah!  A gorgeous hot pink hat and scarf.

That was eight years ago. Possibly nine.  Or ten.  (We were on Angel, if anyone wants to do the math.)

And then, a couple weeks ago, I saw this pattern for this beautiful sweater, exactly the kind of thing you want to throw on on a winter evening, and I thought:  Enough with the baby blankets. That damn sweater has your name all over it.

I ordered the yarn online (I have finally learned not to do a project in anything but the yarn the pattern suggests), and when it arrived I started my sweater.  Easy as pie.

So I thought.  

In the last week, I have re-started this damn sweater three times.  The instructions verge on incomprehensible-- and I'm a fairly advanced knitter who's pretty good at following directions.  On my most recent attempt, I was three whole balls of yarn in before I realized things had, once again, gone horribly awry.

This afternoon I ripped it all out and started again.

Here's the thing.  Every time I screw up, I learn something about how to do it right the next time.  And I continue to believe that if I keep going, I will eventually have the awesome sweater that I want.  I just have to stick with it.

I kind of feel the same way about getting pregnant.

I just have to keep going.

Which doesn't mean that I'm not sad and disappointed that IVF didn't work this time.  I am both.  A lot of both.  

But considering that when I found out about the polyps (POLYPS POLYPS POLYPS!!!) and the delay they were going to cause, I spent two days crying in bed...

I think I'm doing okay.

I haven't cried.  I don't think I'm going to.

Because I really do believe that everything is aligned as it should be.  I have the right doctor, the right acupuncturist, the right therapist, the right yoga teacher, the right chef.  I'm doing everything I can physically, and I'm working very hard on being more open-hearted and positive about this process.

I think I'm not breaking down because for the first time, I really believe deep down in my heart that this is going to happen for me.

I just have to stick with it.

So that's what I'm gonna do.

Five, Four, Three...

1:05-- Okay, it's a full hour past "late morning," which is when I was supposed to hear something from the embryologist, and I'm quietly freaking out.  Of course, now it's lunch time, so I won't hear anything for at least an hour.  Think I'll do some yoga breathing.

2:27-- At what point am I not a crazy, annoying patient for calling them before they call me?

3:20-- Finally caved and called.  The guy who was supposed to call me this morning, just didn't!  Then he left early.  So it's a good thing I called.  (Arg.  Double arg.  Arg.)  Anyway.  A very nice woman told me that of the five eggs retrieved, four were mature, and three of those fertilized.  The fourth is still in a dish with some sperm, so maybe something will happen there?  Dunno how that works.  They're going to check it again tomorrow.  They won't look at the other embryos again until Wednesday morning.  She thinks I'm going to be doing a Wednesday transfer, but she's going to check and call me back.

So... three.  Better than two, worse than four.

3:35-- Yep.  Transfer Wednesday.  Late morning-ish.  

And... my wonderful yoga instructor is planning a meditation that evening specifically focused on what's goin' on with me, so although I'm supposed to be on something close to bed rest for the rest of that day, I'll be rebelling and heading a few blocks up the street to meditate and think positive thoughts.

In other news, I finished my Canuck's-themed baby blanket for my friends and fellow Canucks fans' new baby boy:

Go, Canucks, Go! 

 

One Down, Three To Go...

Guess who got a lot done this weekend?

Me!

This blanket will be going to my trainer, who's due to have her baby girl any second now... but who is nonetheless still teaching several classes a week and working with her usual roster of private clients.

She's a crazy lady.  And she's gonna be a great mom.

Baby Blanket In Progress...

This jumble of color is soon going to be one of the four baby blankets I have to (want to!) make in the next month:

Doesn't look like much now... but I promise it's going to be ADORABLE.

The Season Of The Stitch

It's baby blanket season!

I have three pregnant friends, all due in May or June.  So yesterday I went to the yarn store, and last night I settled in for a cozy Spring full of knitting.

One friend and his wife are fellow Canucks fans... so for that blanket I got blue, green, and white yarn, and I'll be designing a blanket with a big Canucks logo in the center.  (My first sports-related blanket.  I don't even know myself.)

Another friend will be taking her baby to Ojai for the summer, so I picked out summery colors in a washable cotton that will look adorable spread on the green grass of her front yard there.

And my trainer, the only one who's having a girl, doesn't like pale pinky hues... so for her little girl, I got some lovely, brighter jewel tones.   

There's just nothing better than going yarn shopping.  

I love the way the yarn smells, I love how it feels, I love the panoply of colors and textures, I love the camaraderie of the shop itself.  And I especially love trying to find just the right design, and just the right colors for each family, and for each baby.

And now, I'll be signing off for the night... I've got some knitting to do!